


The Scientist

by KO5



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2018-11-16 10:18:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 32,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11251119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KO5/pseuds/KO5
Summary: Hope suffers from not being able to let go of her past. Kelley takes one last leap of faith and reminds her that what they have together is worth fighting for- and that often times, it’s the past that refuses to let go of the person.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I guess I had just one last story left in me.
> 
> Disclaimer: This story will have a PTSD element to it. While I've done my research and did my very best to write about it in a way that is both accurate and respectful, by no means am I an expert. I do not mean to cause any disrespect to anyone affiliated with the disorder in anyway, but if there is anything at all that I've misrepresented or overlooked, please let me know.

_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry_

_You don't know how lovely you are_

 

_I had to find you_

_Tell you I need you_

_Tell you I set you apart_

 

_Tell me your secrets_

_And ask me your questions_

_Oh, let's go back to the start_

 

_Running in circles_

_Coming up tails_

_Heads on a science apart_

 

_Nobody said it was easy_

_It's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be this hard_

 

_Oh, take me back to the start_

 

_I was just guessing_

_At numbers and figures_

_Pulling the puzzles apart_

 

_Questions of science_

_Science and progress_

_Do not speak as loud as my heart_

 

_Tell me you love me_

_Come back and haunt me_

_Oh, and I rush to the start_

 

_Running in circles_

_Chasing our tails_

_Coming back as we are_

 

_Nobody said it was easy_

_Oh, it's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be so hard_

 

_I'm going back to the start_

 

-Coldplay, _The Scientist_

 

* * *

 

It’s dark outside. 

 

Hope’s upset. She’s not sure why she’s upset. She just is. With the key in the ignition, she sits in the driver’s seat and pauses to breathe, to recollect her thoughts. But like the many times before, she can’t seem to gain control. Come to think of it, she hasn’t been in control for quite some time now. Maybe that’s why she’s upset. 

 

The engine roars; the car comes alive. 

 

_20 mph._

 

_“I’m happy for you, Hope.”_

 

It’s silent and Hope calmly steers the wheel. Right and then left. Another left and then right again. She’s not sure where she’s going and her phone doesn’t have service. She opens the glove compartment and finds a map. With one hand on the wheel and one gripping her only guide, she squints ahead looking for any sign that might lead her in the right direction. For some strange reason, none of the landmarks on the map match what’s on the road. She’s getting tired and the signs are getting harder and harder to read, especially in the dark, so she gives up. 

 

It’s easy to give up. 

 

_40 mph._

 

_“Please, just take care of yourself. Can you at least do that for me? I need to know that you’re going to be okay.”_

 

Fear settles in. Hope doesn’t know where she is. The last time she had an idea of where she was heading to was…was when…she doesn’t remember. Her surroundings are a blur and she loses sight of the road, of herself. 

 

_“What were you thinking?”_

 

_“Why didn’t you talk to me?”_

 

_“Don’t you think I deserve to be happy too?”_

 

_“Why, Hope?”_

 

She’s lost.

 

_60 mph._

 

Seventeen fucking years and it’s over. She’s angry now. Her foot is a metal weight on the pedal and her emotions are steering. She never deserved that. She never deserved to be placed in the position she is now. 

 

She thinks of the past- what was. 

 

_“I will wait. It’s just up to you now. I promise that I’ll wait.”_

 

She thinks of the future- what could’ve been. 

 

_“Don’t you dare shut me out again. I need to hear from you. I am here, Hope. You hear me? I’m right here. I need you to promise me. I need to hear you say it. Promise?”_

 

She thinks of the present- what is. Anger meets fear, and she’s crying. She feels herself break, and her foot getting heavier and heavier. She’s flying when she hears the voice manifesting from the passenger side. 

 

“Hope, please, you have to slow down.” 

 

It’s Kelley. It always is. 

 

_80 mph._

 

Startled, Hope brings her sleeve to her face and wipes her tears away. She removes her eyes from the road, her only focus on the younger woman beside her. Kelley’s expression is on the borderline of calm and afraid. 

 

“Kelley?" Hope whispers softly. "What are you doing here?” 

 

Hope’s not sure of a lot of things, but she does notice Kelley’s hands grip the sides of her seat. 

 

“Slow down.” 

 

Hope listens, for once. She moves her foot to the break, but moment she applies pressure, the car only moves faster. It’s too late. Her eyes fill with panic when she turns to Kelley, a whisper emerging. 

 

“I can’t.”  

 

Kelley’s heart beats fast and loud, so loud that she’s sure Hope can hear it too. She tries one more time. 

 

“I need you to slow down, Hope!” 

 

Hope’s eyes and hands are all over the place, and Kelley’s voice rings in her ears. She’s doing everything that she possibly can to slow down the car- to save them. She never meant to hurt anyone. 

 

“There’s something wrong. I’m trying, Kelley, I swear!” 

 

The car’s speed increases in proportion to their beating hearts. Hope’s staring at Kelley apologetically and Kelley stares back with the most haunting look imaginable and they brace themselves for the inevitable impact and Kelley’s voice rings in her ears and it gets louder and louder and the car just keeps going faster and faster and-

 

It’s dark outside. 

 

//

 

It’s still dark. 

 

It’s the middle of the night and Hope’s sweating. Her shirt is damp and she can feel droplets roll down the side of her face. She flicks on the small light beside her and looks around the room, her eyes taking note of the messy white sheets all over the place, from the end of the bed to the floor. Her eyes fix on the empty spot beside her own and she stares until she begins to gain her bearings again.  

 

Hope’s breathing heavily, but she’s still breathing. 

 

_“I fucking needed you.”_

 


	2. Morale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning is now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support so far!

 

Morale is high. 

 

Kelley’s on the floor, mindlessly untying the laces of her cleats. She falls into her routine and pulls down her socks one by one, allowing her hands to rest at her ankle. Her life is put on hold. 

 

She breathes in. 

 

_1…2…3._

 

She breathes out.

 

Her life resumes and she’s fulfilled. Putting her routine to an end, Kelley lets out a small chuckle when she hears some stupidly funny remark from Sydney. She looks up at her teammate, shaking her head in amusement, but not without noticing make up bags, curling irons, and heels all scattered across the beds and floor. Despite having separate rooms, they all somehow always managed to end up in just one. Amidst the typical mess created every night they decide to venture out, there’s an equal amount of workout bags, cleats, and kits all over the places- jerseys with not just three, but four stars. 

 

They had done it again. Kelley’s feelings quickly begin to betray the smile on her face and she can’t help but get emotional looking back on her journey yet again. She isn’t particularly emotional over their victory. The team had undergone serious change these last couple of years and they would all be lying if they said that they hadn’t seriously questioned if they would even make it past qualifiers, but deep down, Kelley had always known that they would win. With their dedication and passion for the sport, it was just too easy. What truly makes Kelley emotional is the unconditional love and support radiating right in front of her eyes. Her teammates have always been a constant in her life, and she knows very well she wouldn’t be standing right where she is, at the top of the world, without them. Of course it’s not Canada- she knows better than to compare and absolutely _nothing_ can even begin to come close- but Kelley couldn’t be more proud of her team than she is in this very moment. She doesn’t remember the last time she felt this way, like she’s soaring. She’s in a good place now.

 

Kelley feels a couple shoulders brush against her own as Tobin, Morgan, and Emily make their way into the already crowded room. The room is full of mindless chatter and laughter, but Tobin’s voice manages to carry through the noise. 

 

“So, Mal, what do you think of all this, huh?” Tobin plops down on the edge of the bed, nudging one of their youngest players on the team. 

 

Mallory turns to her teammate, her head falling slightly to the side as she answers, “What do you mean?” 

 

Ashlyn appears from the bathroom, also settling down beside the young girl. She wraps an arm around her shoulder, pulling her in extra close and looking her straight in the eye. In a matter of fact tone, she reminds her, “You’re a world champion now, kid.” 

 

“Oh, you mean all this commotion?” Mallory looks around before continuing, “Well, I mean, it’s been…busy.” Her eyes are full of joy, but she knows she’s struggling to keep up and lacking the energy to commit every single moment and euphoric feeling to memory. A yawn escapes her lips and before she can even hope that no one noticed, half the team is already smirking. 

 

“Don’t think we didn’t see that, young lady!” Pinoe loudly calls out. 

 

Ashlyn teases, “Yeah, look at us old ladies…our engines are still running!” Obnoxious car noises quickly leave both her and Pinoe’s mouths. 

 

Horrified, Mallory’s eyes widen and she straightens up. She protests, “I’m not tired! I was just trying to say that we’ve been going nonstop this past month. The celebrations, the interviews, the parade…and now this tour…and the celebration dinner tomorrow night that I definitely did not find out about until today…I’ve had no sleep!” 

 

“You can sleep when you’re dead, kid.” Pinoe rolls her eyes. 

 

Kelley can’t help but laugh, but eventually sympathizes with her young teammate, “We’re giving you a hard time, Mal. We love you. What Pinoe- and the rest of us- is trying to say is to just enjoy all this. Enjoy the ride. Soak it all in.” 

 

“I know…” Mallory grumbled as she received a side hug from Tobin. 

 

“Alright, but Mal does have a bit of a point…are we all ready to get this show on the road and head out soon?” Ali asks, trying to get a head count of people. 

 

Allie, Alex, and Sydney’s voices echo each other from the bathroom, “Almost done! Ready in five!” 

 

Mallory took that as her cue to hop off and announce, “I’m going to go find Rose and let her know we’re leaving soon. Be right back.” 

 

As Mallory walked past her and exited the room, Kelley took her place on the bed. A silence fell upon the room as it suddenly dawned on most everyone that they’d come along way. Despite the highs and lows, they wouldn’t trade their experiences for the world. 

 

Kelley mumbles under breath, still in disbelief, “A lot has changed.” 

 

But before anyone else could echo her sentiments, Mallory and Rose appear, both of their faces struck with uncertainty and a hint of excitement. 

 

“Uh, what’s with you two?” Pinoe raises her brow in suspicion. 

 

“She’s back.” Rose announces softly. 

 

“Hope.” Mallory clarifies quickly. 

 

“Oh yeah, Hope, that is.” Rose blinks a few times. 

 

“Hope…” Pinoe speaks slowly, still not understanding. 

 

“Yeah. Like…our Hope.” When Mallory still doesn’t receive a response, she raises her voice and says loud and clear, “Hope _Solo_.”

 

Kelley’s eyes dart straight to the doorway where her two youngest teammates stood. She had only been half listening before, but now she could feel her sympathetic pathways in her body begin to kickstart. Still, she remains silent. 

 

Tobin’s the first to break the silence as she mutters, “No way…” 

 

“Yes way!” Rose practically jumps out of her skin, her eyes getting wider each passing minute.

 

“What is she doing here?” Ashlyn wonders, before correcting herself, “I mean, it isn’t a bad thing that she is…it’s just, I haven’t heard from her in awhile that’s all.” 

 

Christen inquires, “Back up a minute, how did you guys figure this out?” 

 

“We saw her!” Mallory and Rose simultaneously respond. Rose elaborates, “I forgot my jacket on the bus and after Mal found me in the lobby, we started heading back to you guys but not before seeing her. She walked out of some conference room, with Carli and some of our staff!” 

 

“Gosh, I haven’t talked to her in years. To be honest, I thought she’d be back in time for France.” Christen replies. 

 

“I agree.” Alex joins the conversation, having finally emerged from the bathroom with Allie and Sydney by her side. “She’s one hard-headed teammate and USSF had no right to let her go the way that they did, but I really thought she wouldn’t let that get in the way of her returning. We all know Hope better than most people…she loves the game- and she really is the best.” 

 

“It’s obvious our team is missing a player like her…and that says a lot coming from me.” Ashlyn admits quietly. She and Alyssa had been more than happy to step up and get more playing time, but there was something special that Hope brought to the team- to the world of soccer- that no one else could bring. 

 

“I remember hearing that USSF was trying to make amends with her before we went to camp for qualifiers. At least that’s what Carli made it sound like…how could you just turn that down?” Allie points out. 

 

“It just doesn’t make sense.” Alex shrugs. 

 

“No matter how much we speculate, I think it’s important to remind ourselves that we don’t know the full story…and we won’t know unless we talk to her in person.” Ali reasons, trying to end their conversation. She discretely looks at Kelley across the room, willing her to make eye contact, but the brunette remains with her head hung low. Luckily no one else notices the slightest hint that Ali might just know the younger defender a little more than the rest of them. 

 

“True, I guess we never followed up on things since we’ve all been too preoccupied with the tournament.” Ashlyn adds. 

 

“As it should be.” Ali emphasizes. 

 

There’s a short pause before Rose innocently asks, “Well, like, is she back now?” 

 

“She could be returning as a coach…for all we’ve known, she could’ve been coaching abroad or something…or wasn’t she with North Carolina for a bit too? I don’t know…” Mallory’s voice trails off. 

 

“I don’t think that North Carolina deal actually ever happened. She took that random job in Europe, remember? That’s the last I know of…plus, I always assumed that if she were to be a part of a coaching staff, it’d be the Reign.” Ashlyn says, turning her head in Pinoe’s direction.

 

Pinoe simply shrugs, “Don’t look at me, guys. I know as much as you do. She’s made a couple visits to Seattle to see Harvey and the team, but now that I’ve come to think of it, she hasn’t visited in the last year or so…” Pinoe’s eyes, too, manage to drift towards Kelley. Despite knowing she might open a can of worms, she calls out towards her teammate. “O’Hara? You keep in touch with Hope still?” 

 

Kelley never thought a question could weigh so heavy upon her. She’s suddenly thrown into a state of conflict, one between her mind and her emotions. Saying they fell out of touch would be the understatement of the century. There’s so much more than that; there’s so much more to _them_. 

 

Her gaze gazing with intent, Kelley quietly confirms, “Are you _sure_ it was her?” 

 

“Yes!” Mallory and Rose instantly reply. 

 

At this point, Kelley looks around the room. She’d only talked to a few of them in detail, with Ali surprisingly being one of the select few. With that being said, Kelley also knew that her teammates weren’t completely oblivious and that if they were to make an educated guess on what had transpired between her and Hope, they’d be in the ballpark range.

 

Bringing Kelley out of her thoughts, Ali gently begins, “Kelley-”

 

But without hesitation, Kelley cuts her off and stands up. Swallowing her nerves and gathering as much confidence as she could, she vaguely announces, “I’ll meet you downstairs.” 

 

With every stride, she loses her calm. 

 

-

 

“Just really give it some thought, okay? We would love to have you.”

 

Hope grimaces as yet another staff member shakes her hand. Negotiations were all over the place and she’s yet to decline or accept the offer first presented to her months ago. At first thought, she’d seriously considered taking the job, but something had come up…something always came up. She had let it fall to the back burner, quite honestly forgetting about it amidst the hundred other things she had been dealing with. However, as soon as people noticed that Carli had brought her to the game, they hadn’t left her alone all night. Staying close to her friend, she whispers in urgency, “Can we head out now? Please?” 

 

Carli nods, looking through her bag, “Uh, yeah. I’m just about ready.” She notices Hope anxiously look around the lobby having a couple too many people recognize her. She mutters, “Shoot. I left my jacket in my room.” 

 

Hope’s brows furrowed in confusion, “Your room? You have a room here?”

 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I?” 

 

“You live here in Jersey, Carli.” Hope points out.

 

“30 minutes away!” 

 

Still agitated, Hope suggests, “Can’t you just get someone else to get it to you later or something?” 

 

“I’ll be right back.” Carli tells her friend, sighing as she reminds her, “You know we always stay with the team, even if it’s our hometown…you’ve done it in Seattle before.” 

 

“Just hurry.” Hope lets out a small huff before warily settling down into one of the lobby’s chairs. She lazily picks up the first magazine she sees on the side table next to her. She doesn’t get past the table of contents before glancing up, taking inventory of her environment. She watches as a few families check into the hotel and head to their rooms, finally leaving the space empty. She sighs and does her best to return her attention to the magazine in her lap. She’s skimming the table of contents when she’s caught completely off guard.

 

“BOO!” 

 

Oddly, Hope freezes, remaining completely still. The blood running its course in her veins turn cold and rigid. If it had been any other time- any other person - she would’ve been startled out of her seat. But hearing that voice- _Kelley-_ she’s plagued with memories and feelings she’d worked so hard to get under control. She finds herself zeroing in on her own breathing and closing her own eyes, hoping that when she opens them again, Kelley would’ve disappeared into thin air. 

 

But she doesn’t. 

 

Without opening her eyes, Hope knows this is all too real. She can just picture the young woman, a smile on her face and her eyes shining with excitement. She _feels_ Kelley. 

 

Kelley lets out a small laugh, “I couldn’t resist. I’m sorry.” 

 

Hope suddenly regains function of her body and jumps out of her seat, soaking in Kelley’s appearance for the first time. She still doesn’t say a word and instead glances towards the staircase, silently praying that Carli would walk down it. Kelley follows her line of sight, her expression slowly falling as she feels Hope’s coldness and lack of greeting. She doesn’t let Hope’s silence get in the way of her genuine excitement to see the keeper. It had just been so long, and even if their friendship or relationship or whatever the hell they had together left them in such a predicament today, Kelley’s just happy to be by her side. As soon as her gaze reconnects with Hope’s, she lets out a proper, lighthearted greeting.

 

“Hey, you.” 

 

Hope’s losing her composure with each passing second and there’s a feeling within her that begins to take over. It’s the same feeling she’s been fighting for years- the one she couldn’t explain, the one that gripped her and made her feel like she wasn’t allowed to amount to anything. She amounted to nothing. Just _nothing_. 

 

Hope’s mind travels left and right as it tries to gage her surroundings. She notices the gap before her growing smaller and smaller, and by now, her mind is malfunctioning at its finest. She finds herself getting jittery and she feels a small attack- and attack by herself _on_ herself- beginning to arise. She’s losing control and out of completely panic, she abruptly takes a step back. The only thing going through her mind, _Give me space, give me space._

 

Yet, there’s a part of her that weighs heavy. Guilt rushes through her as she stares at the ground, knowing perfectly well she’s hurting the young woman. Her mind usually had the first say- and lately, it had the _only_ say. With her state of being, she had lost control a long time ago. 

 

But it’s _her._ It’s Kelley. The one person that permitted her heart to reign over her mind. 

 

“Hey.” It’s soft, and it lacks substance, but it’s the best that she can do. 

 

Kelley pretends to not notice the lack of enthusiasm accompanying the keeper’s greeting. She carries the conversation as she normally does and inquires, “So you watched?” 

 

“The game? Yeah, I didn’t really have a choice.” Hope replies mindlessly before altering her words into a more gentle response, “Well, Carli wanted me here.” 

 

“Right…” 

 

“Congrats on the win.” Hope offers the kindest statement she can come up with. 

 

“Thanks.” Kelley pauses, allowing them to get used to each other’s presences. It’s not more than a couple of seconds before she boldly makes a suggestion. “Let’s catch up sometime, okay? I don’t know how long you’ll be in town, visiting Carli or whatnot, but a new coffee shop opened up and I’ve been wanting to try-”

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Hope is perfectly aware that she’s being excruciatingly brash, but with Kelley, sometimes it’s best to keep things short and to the point.

 

“Oh…” Kelley’s voice fades. “Do you…not drink coffee anymore?” Her brows furrow in confusion, finding that hard to believe.

 

“No, I do.” Hope pathetically comes up with another excuse, “I’m not going to be in town for awhile.” 

 

“Oh.” Kelley lets out a second time. 

 

“Look, there’s no need to do this.” Hope sighs. 

 

“Do what?” 

 

“This small talk.” 

 

“Okay…I’m not trying to…” Kelley loses her sense of wording and feels herself eating worked up. She’s not asking for much; she just genuinely wanted to be updated on the keeper’s life. When it came down to it all, they had been friends first- and more than anything, Kelley had wanted to maintain their one of a kind friendship, no matter how convoluted it seemed. When she thinks of where she was just a few years ago, she’d be crazy to even entertain that idea- that they could just be friends. But now, she’s ready. She worked hard to be ready. Kelley realizes it won’t do either of them any good if she continues to push, so she resigns, “Well, it was good seeing you.” 

 

“Likewise.” Hope replies, rather unconvincingly. 

 

Kelley does an about foot, but before she makes it even a couple steps out and though she already decided that she shouldn’t, Kelley tries one more time- she pushes. 

 

“Hope, I’m sorry.”

 

Kelley watches as the taller woman shakes her head, averting her eyes elsewhere. Hope feels herself begin to tremble, unwanted memories rushing over and over again, ever so vividly. She barely gets out, “Please, don’t…” 

 

“I’m sorry. I really am.” Kelley repeats. “I know you don’t like it when I do this, but I have to.”

 

Hope’s eyes meet the younger woman’s, and for a brief moment, Kelley sees her accept the apology. A softness glazes over her eyes and Kelley feels at ease- but it’s short lived when Hope’s expression darkens out of fear, somehow realizing what Kelley is about to say. 

 

She takes a deep breath, “But more importantly, I just wanted to…” Kelley falls silent, doing her best to maintaining her composure. Yet, her voice wavers. “I don’t hate you. I hope you know that. I never could…and I still can’t.” 

 

Kelley stares long and hard, and once more, she gets a glimpse into the older woman. Hope lets her in and they share that very moment together, and for the first time in awhile, peace fills the space between them. With Hope still silent, Kelley takes her opportunity. “There’s a bunch of us going out tonight. Hope, please, I’d love it if you would join-”

 

“Stop! Just stop and shut the hell up!” Hope raises her voice, loud enough to warrant a few looks from the front desk. She knows she startled Kelley by the way the younger woman shrunk back a couple steps. They were so _close_. She just had to screw it up again. Running her fingers angrily through her hair, she aggressively curses at herself, “ _Fuck_.” 

 

Kelley watches as walls build their way back up. She’s scared to blink, still trying to come to terms with how sudden of a shift was made, how this unfamiliar being had exploded out of nowhere. She backs away once more for good measure. It takes everything in her to not just scream, _I’ve missed you, Hope._ Instead, her voice cracks. “I’m…sorry.”

 

Hope steadies her breathing, trying not to instill anyone fear into the brunette. Regret manifests in her voice, “No, I didn’t mean to…I just meant that it’s late…that had nothing to do with…” Hope’s losing her ground quick and she desperately searches for an out. She feels like she’s suffocating, so a helpless whisper just has to suffice as the end of their interaction. “Thanks for the offer.” 

 

Kelley says nothing more, tucking her arms timidly into her sides. Turning around for good, she stops when she connects with numerous pairs of widened eyes and sympathetic expressions. Kelley feels color rush to her face, knowing they all had just watched the painful encounter. 

 

Ali’s the one to step forward and pull her close, whispering, “Do you want to stay back? I can stay with you.” 

 

“No, I’m good. Let’s go.” Kelley refuses to acknowledge to situation, not in front of everyone. She uncrosses her arms and dangle them by her side until they find her pocket. When no one moves, she looks Ali straight in the eye and adamantly repeats, “Let’s go…please.” 

 

Ali nods, motioning the rest of their group to head out. As they walk out, she purposefully places herself beside Kelley, serving as a shield of some kind. Kelley’s thoroughly embarrassed, but equally hurt and confused. She can’t help but look over her shoulder one last time, immediately regretting it when she sees Hope resume her place in her chair, with an expression Kelley had not missed throughout all these years- the self-deprecating expression that Kelley normally would have no problem in diffusing it, just like she had done many times in the past. But there’s something different this time. 

 

Kelley’s never encountered Hope like this. She’d always been off putting at times, but never did her facade change so abruptly, or so aggressively. Despite the image she often projected to everyone else, Hope had always been gentle with Kelley- in her words and her actions, she’d make the extra effort just for her. A lot had changed, for the worse and for the better, but Kelley can’t help but reminisce over the insanely beautiful and pure, and one of a kind relationship that they had shared. Kelley prided herself in that. She’d get high off the fact that she’d been the only one allowed to see that soft side, the _real side._ And because of that alone, she had loved Hope a thousand fold more. 

 

Kelley’s not wrong when her intuition tells her something isn’t quite right. Hope is indeed different; she herself knows it. She feels weak and beat down, always looking from the outside in. She feels like a ghost, weighed down by the past, failing to envision a future, and so desperately trying to hold on to the present. As her old team shuffles past her, she feels Kelley’s stare.

 

She fights back tears.

 

Morale is low.

 


	3. Blindsided

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small confrontation turns into a much, much larger one.

Hope stares at herself in the mirror. She eyes her long, midnight blue dress as it flows down to her ankles. She tilts her head, somewhat satisfied. With the team kicking off their victory tour in Jersey just the day before, the federation had decided to plan a celebration dinner of sorts just next door in New York. It wasn’t until Hope arrived in Jersey that Carli had mentioned the dinner, begging her to join them. Hope continues to study herself in the mirror, focusing on her ability to mask her withdrawn facade. 

 

She’s been fighting for quite some time now. She wouldn’t be surprised if it had started from her earliest days with the team, but she never liked to think much of it. She was pretty good at distracting herself, but she knew that as time went on, she’d eventually lose the battle. It had gotten exponentially worse after the termination of her contract and it’s been downhill ever since. The terrible dreams turned into sleepless nights; the loss of interest in the game turned into a loss of self. She feels hopeless more than hopeful. 

 

No one knows. Not even her family. Not even Carli. She had sought professional help in the past, but the moment they suggested that there was a possibility that this “rut” wasn’t temporary- that it was far more complex than she could imagine- she had both feet out the door. Deep down, she knows they’re probably right, but she doesn’t want to accept it. She can handle it on her own. She’s always been good at being alone. 

 

 _Pull it together, Hope._ She thinks long and hard, and no matter how hard she tries, the fighting becomes tougher. She feels herself giving up, but she just needs to make it through the weekend- really, just this stupid dinner that she somehow got convinced to attend. She worries about her teammates and how they know her well- too well- and that if she gives them the slightest reason to be suspicious, they’ll never leave her alone. Maybe if this were another time, another place, she’d care a little bit more. She’d let them help. But here she is, sending walls up, barely getting by with the life given to her. 

 

“Do I really have to go?” Hope mumbles under her breath. 

 

Carli peeks her head out of the bathroom, “For the hundredth time, yes.” Hope sighs, mindlessly playing with the fabric around her waist line. Carli rolls her eyes, “You look fine.” 

 

“I know I do.” Hope glares at her in return before settling on the chair against the wall. “I just don’t want to deal with everyone.” 

 

“Hope, I already told you, we’ve all missed you. You like to keep to yourself, and they respected that…but don’t you think a full four year cycle has been enough time away? We want you back.” 

 

Hope stares at her hands in her lap. She quietly murmurs, “I’ve been through a lot.” _And I still am._

 

“I know.” Carli sympathizes. “Hope, I think this will be good for you. I know you come to me for a lot of things, but the team’s been right here all along too. You have to ease yourself back into all this- especially before you take the job.” 

 

Hope looks up as soon as she hears Carli’s assumption. The federation had come to her long before the world cup in France, but she had always been up in the air about it. Every time she convinced herself to do it, there’d be a setback. She’d set herself back. She counters, “I never said I’d take the job.” 

 

“Oh, you will.” Carli smirks, “Once you see everyone tonight, you’ll want to come back. The Olympics will be here sooner than we know. This is our time. I can feel it. This time, we win both.” 

 

Hope wants to scoff, not at Carli’s competitive tone, but at the idea of participating in the next Olympics. The last one had all but destroyed her. Her career, her family, her friends…( _Kelley)._ All those connections gone faster than she could say “coward.” 

 

-

 

The night goes by slowly. For the most part, everyone is caught up in mingling with friends and family who could make it out for the celebration. The biggest elephant in the room is Hope, of course, who keeps to herself and speaks only when spoken to. Only a select few approach her while everyone else keeps their distant. No one knows what to say, where to even begin.

 

Kelley watches Hope from afar. She’s been sneaking glances all night, noticing how reserved and withdrawn the former keeper had become. Out of everyone in the room, she had this unspoken connection with Hope. Being together made them feel invincible. Believe it or not, there had been a moment in their life that they had been inseparable; believe it or not, they had hope. 

 

Kelley’s heart almost leaps out of its chest when she sees Hope stand up for the first time that night. She watches as the tall brunette exits onto the outside patio. She wants to follow her, but a voice distracts her instead. 

 

“Are you okay?” Ali asks from beside her. 

 

“What?” Kelley is startled, turning her direction back towards Hope, only to find that she had disappeared. She sighs, looking at the half-filled wine glass in her hands. “Yeah, I’m doing fine.”

 

Ali sighs, knowing perfectly well that Kelley was lying. She doesn’t want to push her younger teammate because she knows Kelley will talk to her when it’s time. Surprisingly, they had grown closer despite competing for the same spot on the team. It had all begun with small texts and phone calls to talk about how the competition between them could make them stronger, the team stronger, rather than tear them apart. Then Kelley started opening up about things beyond team dynamics, and Ali just listened. Soon, Ali became Kelley’s go to person for conversations needing some thought. Kelley got along with practically everyone, but for some reason, she felt comfortable opening up to Ali. 

 

Noticing Kelley’s unusually quiet demeanor and her frequent looks towards Hope all night, Christen brings up, “For the record, I’ve really missed Hope. I’ve been wanting to go up to her all night, but I just have no idea what to say.” 

 

Alex joins her, “Yeah, she was such an integral part of our team. I know she pisses people off, but she got the job done. She cared about us.”

 

“The greatest advancements in the game have been because of her. She’s simply the greatest, there’s no doubt.” Tobin agrees. 

 

“I wish I had talked to her more…” Christen sighs before turning to Kelley, “You two were close, weren’t you?”

 

“Me and Hope?” Kelley sounds surprised at her friend’s obvious question, only to realize that none of them knew the intricacy of their relationship. She had kept her feelings about Hope on the down low. She responds, “I guess you could say that.” 

 

Alex shakes her head, “You guys weren’t just close…Kel, you changed Hope. Remember the London olympics? I had never seen her so carefree. I remember thinking to myself how unlikely you two would become friends, but boy was I wrong. If I had known no better, I would’ve thought you had known each other your whole life!” 

 

Kelley feels her heart ache. That tournament just reminded her of how simple their lives had been. How they were just two really great teammates, easy to talk to one another and no strings attached. Neither of them suspected that they’d be where they were today. They didn’t realize how complex their relationship was until Kelley began to entertain the idea that maybe- _just maybe-_ her love for Hope was deeper than the love for just a friend. 

 

“I need to go to the restroom. I’ll be right back.” Kelley announces. Ali looks at her friend sympathetically as she excuses herself and walks out. 

 

Kelley stares at herself in the bathroom mirror, trying to push down her feelings for Hope that had just begun to arise again. She takes a deep breath, willing herself not to cry. The last few days had been a whirlwind, from talking to Hope for the first time in years to Hope unusually yelling at her to seeing her tonight. Kelley’s mind becomes so busy reconciling her wild emotions that she fails to notice someone coming out of the bathroom stall. 

 

“Hey, Kelley.” 

 

Kelley abruptly turns her head to the side, sighing as she recognizes her teammate. “Oh, hi Carli.” 

 

Carli’s brows raise in suspicion as she begins to wash her hands. “You doing alright, kid?” 

 

“Never better.” Kelley lies through her smile. 

 

“Mhm…” Carli dries her hands, “Sure…” 

 

Now it’s Kelley’s turn to raise her brows, “What are you insinuating?” 

 

“Nothing.” Carli shrugs. 

 

“Look, if you have a problem with me, just say it.” Kelley’s voice fills with irritation. She’s not stupid. Hope and Carli were best friends. 

 

“Whoa,” Carli raises her hands in defense, “I just asked you how you were, that’s all.” 

 

“Oh come on, Carli, I know this isn’t just a mindless bathroom conversation.” 

 

Carli sighs, “Fine, then don’t tell me you’re fine when you clearly aren’t.” 

 

“Why do you care?” 

 

“I’m a nice person! I’m just wondering.” 

 

Kelley shakes her head, “Spit it out, Carli. Or else we’ll be here all night.” 

 

Carli rolls her eyes, “You know, you can go talk to her yourself. I don’t know why you haven’t yet.” 

 

“I knew it!” Kelley raised her voice, “Hope sent you in here, didn’t she?” 

 

“No, why would she do that?” Carli shrugs, “I just know that you guys like your space, and this is one of the rare times that you actually get to be alone, so if you’re going to do your thing, then just do it.” 

 

“Wait what?” Kelley’s taken back by Carli’s strange statement. 

 

“I’ve known this whole time. You two always had something special. I’m not judging…I think it’s great. You guys deserve it after everything.” 

 

“Deserve what…?” 

 

“To be together!” Carli exclaims like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

 

“That was over a long time ago.” Kelley scoffs. 

 

“Sure…” 

 

“Stop doing that!” Kelley retorts before explaining, “It’s not going to happen again, okay? I’ve moved on. I waited so damn long for her to make up her mind, but I had enough…I had to do it. I needed to cut all communication off because every time I talked to her, she would just reel me right back in. I’m sorry that I hurt your best friend, but I had to do what’s best for myself.” 

 

Now, Carli seemed disoriented. “Wait, but you two talk all the time.” 

 

“All the time?” Kelley is beyond confused. “What are you trying to do, Carli? Don’t play games with me.” 

 

“I seriously have no idea what you’re talking about, Kelley.” 

 

“Oh for Christ sake, I’m so sick of this.” Kelley mutters under her breath, “If Hope doesn’t have the balls to come talk to me herself, then I’ll just go to her. I need to put an end to this.” 

 

Kelley rushes out of the bathroom, with Carli at her heels. Carli follows the young, heated woman out back to the patio, having no idea what she was trying to accomplish. She watches as Kelley searches through the crowd barely keeping up. 

 

Before Carli knows it, she watches as Kelley comes to a halt as soon as she rounds the corner of the building. Faint voices become louder as she gets closer to her younger teammate.

 

_“But what about Kelley?”_

 

_“I don’t know…”_

 

Carli peers around the corner, looking in the direction that Kelley’s looking in. She notices a small bench further down, two people sitting far too comfortably next to each other, one’s hand on the other’s back. Suddenly, Kelley does an about foot, almost running into her with tears beginning to form in her eyes. Seeing Kelley’s distraught expression, she tries to stop her from running off, “Wait, Kelley, what are you…”

 

The two people sitting on the bench turn around at the slightest noise, just catching Kelley running off. Carli looks up, realizing, “What’s going on? Hope? Julie?” 

 

-

 

Kelley becomes lightheaded and nauseous, tripping over her steps while trying to find the quickest way to leave the event space. She can’t get what she just saw out of her head, and every time she thinks about it, she feels a sudden rush of tears. She’s so upset that she doesn’t watch where she’s going, running directly into Ali outside.

 

“Oh my god, Kell. Hey, what happened?” Ali tries to talk to the younger woman, but only incoherent and fast-paced statements leave her mouth. She’s doing her best to keep up, but can’t make out what Kelley is trying to tell her. She looks up to see Carli, Hope, and Julie following suit. Carli is the first one to reach them and Ali quickly places herself in between, “Don’t you dare talk to her.” 

 

“Look, Ali, I don’t know what’s going on here. Kelley and I were just talking in the bathroom and then she left and I followed her and we ran into Hope and Julie…” 

 

“Why would you let them talk to each other?!” Ali is bewildered. 

 

“Who? Hope and Julie?” 

 

“No, you idiot! Hope and Kelley!” 

 

“They didn’t! But why would they not want to…” Carli’s voice fades as Hope and Julie finally catch up with them all. 

 

Julie is out of breath and incredibly distressed. She tries to make eye contact with the woman behind Ali, “Kelley, I’m so sorry.” 

 

“What is going on?” Ali glares at Carli. 

 

“I told you I don’t know anything!” 

 

“Give me a break, Carli.” Ali crosses her arms, “Of course you know. You’re best friends with Hope!” 

 

“Well, maybe I’m not such a good friend. I’ve been left in the dark too.” Carli turns to her blonde teammate, “Ask Julie…Hope’s close to her now, apparently.” Carli says with a hint of disdain. 

 

Before Julie or Hope could speak, Kelley practically bursts, “How long?!” 

 

“No, you’ve got it all wrong.” Julie shakes her head, only to be interrupted again. 

 

“How long have you been…” Kelley can barely get anything out, choking on her words and tears. “ _Fuck_. Are you two… _fuck_. How could you do this to me?!” 

 

Julie tries to explain, “I swear, it’s not what it looks like. I mean, we were talking but not like…it was just that.” Seeing Kelley still in tears, she proclaims, “I’m married, Kelley!” 

 

“Hasn’t stopped Hope before.” Kelley bitterly accuses. 

 

“Fuck off, Kelley.” Hope defends Julie, “She’s telling the truth.”

 

“Why should I believe you guys?!” Kelley shouts. She’s shaking now, “All…these years…you’ve been going behind my back.” 

 

Ali struggles to keep up, looking back and forth between everyone. “For God’s sake, will someone explain to me what’s happening?” 

 

Julie’s crying too now, reaching her hand out, “I never meant to hurt you, Kelley.” 

 

Kelley ignores her, instead positioning her own body directly at Hope. She stares, pleading, “You can’t blame me for what I did.” Kelley has to stop herself, wanting to tell Hope about everything she had been through dating all the way back to London, but she can’t. That’s something she keeps to herself. She continues, “You shut me out, Hope. As soon as we left Rio…what was I supposed to do?” Kelley’s voice cracks. She can’t even begin to recount all the details; it hurts far too much. 

 

Carli interjects, “Wait, what do you mean since Rio?” 

 

“And now…” Kelley’s tone is full of anger, “And now this whole time, you’ve been talking to- or god knows what else- to Julie?!” 

 

Hope’s blue eyes flash before darkening, “Jesus! It’s not fucking like that! And how dare you-”

 

Carli’s voice raises over Hope, whom she is now talking directly to, “What the hell? You and Kelley haven’t been talking since Rio?!” 

 

Ali, rolls her eyes, “No, of course not!” 

 

Kelley tugs at Ali’s arms, her eyes pleading, “Ali, I need to get out of here.” She notices people starting to notice them from the inside. 

 

Ali sighs, putting an arm around her friend’s shoulder, “Okay…okay, let’s go.” She takes out her phone to call a ride. 

 

Julie begins to panic, shaking her head, “No, we need to explain more…let me explain.” 

 

Ali turns to Carli, begging her, “Please…”

 

“Don’t look at me. What do you want me to do? I know nothing…apparently I’m not good enough of a best friend to confide in anymore.” Carli jabs at Hope. 

 

Hope replies, “Come on, don’t be like this.” 

 

Their ride finally pulls up and Kelley quickly gets in. Ali follows, but not before looking directly at Hope, “You need to stop doing this to her.” 

 

“Hope! Do something!” Julie runs her hand through her hair, stressed at the fact that she’s hurting one of her teammates. 

 

Hope looks between them all and she can feel an attack coming on. She needs to get out; she doesn’t want anyone seeing her like this. 

 

Her heart races and her mind shuts down. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...how are we feeling about this?


	4. August 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley receives a call from Hope after the London Olympics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be many flashbacks intertwined throughout this story...it's almost like I'm writing two stories in one. It may get confusing, but if you stick with me, I promise things will become clearer. 
> 
> It's no fun without a little mystery with a side of cliff hangers, now is it? ;)

 

_// August 2012_

 

_“First one home doesn’t do the dishes tonight!”_

 

_Kelley’s eyes shine with mischief as she shouts to over her shoulder. She pedals faster and harder, without a care in the world. Alex doesn’t even try to keep up, but Tobin’s not one to let a little competition slip through her fingers. The three roommates maneuver their way down side streets and alleys, making lefts and then rights and rights and then lefts all the way home._

 

_Bikes instantly hit the ground as Kelley and Tobin race up their driveway and through the front door. By the time Alex arrives just moments later, the two friends are arguing light heartedly._

 

_“I got to the driveway first.”_

 

_“But my foot was first through the door.”_

 

_“Tobs, does everything have to be so technical with you?”_

 

_“I like to play by the rules.”_

 

_“Okay, first, we all know that’s a lie. Second, there were no rules!”_

 

_“Then how are we supposed to determine a winner?!”  Tobin asks before turning to the third person in the room, “Alex?”_

 

_“Oh, do not get me involved in this.” Alex shakes her head, filling up her water bottle at the sink._

 

_“Please, Al!” Kelley begs._

 

_“Whatever, fine. It’s a tie. I’ll do the dishes tonight.”_

 

_“What? There has to be a winner! I don’t believe in ties!” Tobin pouts._

 

_Alex rolls her eyes, but before anyone else could speak another word, a phone begins to vibrate on the table. Tobin picks it up, tossing it to Kelley, “It’s yours. Solo’s calling you.”_

 

_Kelley quickly forgets about the argument, bringing the phone to her ear. She grins to herself, “Hey dork.”_

 

_“Right back at ya.”_

 

_Kelley rounds the kitchen corner, finding a bar stool to sit on. “Miss me already?”_

 

_“Yeah.”_

 

_“Well you should, considering how long we…wait, really?” Kelley pauses, surprised by the keeper’s brevity._

 

_“Just kidding.”_

 

_“Oh…” Kelley’s voice falls._

 

_“Don’t sound too disappointed.”_

 

_“I’m not!” Kelley quickly defends, “I just figured that after being around each other- well, the whole team- for almost a month, in another country-”_

 

_“Kel, calm down.” Hope’s laugh echoes into the phone, “Of course I miss you.”_

 

_“You’re the worst.” Kelley can’t help but let out a soft laugh before telling her friend, “I miss you too. You settling back home okay?”_

 

_“Yeah, yeah…the jet lag has been kicking me in the ass, though. I’m so exhausted, it’s hard to bounce back.”_

 

_“Couldn’t agree more. Alex, Tobin, and I’ve been up so early that we just end up going to the beach, which is great because we need some r &r, but boy, do we need our afternoon naps.” _

 

_“You know you should stay up.” Hope reprimands._

 

_“I know. But sunrises at the beach…”_

 

_“Kell, it’s only going to take longer to get back to routine.”_

 

_“Whatever, I’m the young one.”_

 

_“That’s mildly offensive to me.”  Hope scoffs._

 

_“Look, you called me, Solo.” Kelley points out._

 

_“I did…” Hope admits, her tone becoming more serious, “About that, uhm, I called because I needed to tell you something. Are you alone?”_

 

_“Uh, I can be. One sec.” Kelley leaves the kitchen and walks down the hallway to her room, shutting the door behind. Her voice lowers, “Hey, you okay?”_

 

_“Yeah!” Hope enthusiastically replies, causing Kelley to sigh in relief. “I’m actually more than okay.”_

 

_“Uh, okay…” Kelley waits. There’s a pause._

 

_“I’m engaged.”_

 

_Kelley feels time slow down to a brutally slow pace. She tries to wrap her head around the keeper’s words, but she doesn’t even know where to begin. There’s something stopping her, silencing her from offering her congratulations. She’s supposed to congratulate Hope, right? That’s what a good friend would do- and they were good friends. Yet again, good friends would’ve known if there’d been a significant other._

 

_Hope picks up on the silence and uses it as an opportunity for an explanation. She begins, “Maybe I shouldn’t have started with that…I’m sorry, I just got excited.” Hope only gets more excited as she talks. “We were friends in college and there was a year or so where we had a fling of some sorts. Neither of us knew what to do. We enjoyed each other, but it didn’t feel right to carry it on after graduation. We were young. We needed to go our separate ways first. I haven’t really dated anyone else since- well, not seriously. I’ve been so caught up with soccer, which you know me, I put soccer above anything else. Where would I find time for a relationship? I expected him to go through a couple relationships; I even thought he’d forget about me.”_

 

_“But he didn’t, did he?” Kelley murmur. She knows all too well._

 

_“Yeah!” Hope affirms in elation. “Isn’t that something? So I don’t speak to him since college and he contacts me as soon as I got back from London, and…well, like the young kids say, the rest is history. We’ve been seeing each other almost every day.” Hope’s bursting with joy._

 

_“You just got back.” Kelley states the obvious, more for herself. She still has so many questions, so many reservations. It’s easier to just get the facts straight first._

 

_“I know! That’s the crazy thing! We were together last night, just lounging around the house and he turns to me, asking if I would marry him. You’re right, I just got back and it feels too soon, but it also feels so right. And so I said yes! I fucking said yes!”_

 

_Kelley picks at a few threads on her bed, still holding the phone close to her ear. She lays down, looking up at the ceiling. She can hear Hope catch her breath on the other end. She swallows, and with the most convincing tone as possible, she replies quietly._

 

_“I’m happy for you, Hope.”_

 

_She knows Kelley can’t see her, but Hope smiles her biggest smile yet. She feels a rush of relief, “I haven’t told anyone else.”_

 

_Kelley immediately sits upright again, “Wait, what do you mean?”_

 

_“I don’t know,” Hope pauses and then explains, “I’ll call my mom after this, and then Carli, but I just…I don’t know what their reactions are going to be, and I wanted someone who’d understand. You understand, right? You’re okay with it?”_

 

_“Hope, it sounds like you’re asking me for my permission.” Kelley admits, an edge to her voice. It doesn’t feel fair for Hope to lay this all on her._

 

_“Well, I’m not.” Hope gets defensive._

 

_Kelley ponders, wondering what was the true reason behind Hope’s call to her, and only her. They’d gotten closer, but out of everyone she could tell first, why her? She decides to diffuse the tension, “Hope, you’re my friend. I just want you to be happy, and you truly sound like it. I couldn’t want anything more for you.”_

 

_“Thank you. That means a lot to me.”_

 

_Kelley settles back against her pillows, “So tell me more about the lucky guy.”_

 

_“His name is Jerramy…”_

 

_Kelley listens for the next hour and a half. She does everything that a friend would do- tease Hope for her lack of knowledge concerning weddings, laugh when she laughs, and remind her that she made a good choice, that she’s finally putting her own happiness before others._

 

_But when they say their goodbyes and she hangs up the phone, she feels like she’s carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. She feels heavy, knowing that she’d been lying to Hope, that she wasn’t so sure if this was a good choice. She feels like she’s doing all the work, all the caring (and loving?) for the both of them. She can’t quite put a name to the feelings arising within her._

 

_Alex and Tobin knock on her door, their heads peeking in from the outside. “Ready for lunch?”_

 

_“I think I’m just going to get a head start on our afternoon nap.” Kelley fakes a yawn._

 

_“You feeling okay?” Alex eyes her suspiciously._

 

_“Yeah, yeah…I’m just not feeling hungry anymore.”_

 

_“Okay, suit yourself.”_

 

_The door closes and Kelley lays wide awake in bed, suddenly questioning everything and everyone in her life._

 

 

 


	5. Suspicions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali suspects that Kelley isn't telling her the whole truth.

Ali remains silent the whole ride home. She tries to wrap her head around everything that had just happened at the dinner. It’s obvious that there is some sort of miscommunication among her teammates, but she doesn’t quite understand what made Kelley so upset for her to react in such a way. Ali is one of the select few that the younger brunette opened up to, so she’d seen Kelley struggle open-faced with all encompassing emotions, but never did Ali see her react like that in public. 

 

 

Ali is positive that she’s the only one on the team who knows the truth. Everyone else just knows the gist of it- Hope and Kelley were close going into Rio and not so close leaving Rio. Most everyone quickly forgot about the sudden shift in relationship because of Hope’s contract termination; she wasn’t around anymore for them to pick up on any strange behavior between the two. But only those who were close friends with them knew that as soon as the tournament abruptly ended and changed the dynamics of their entire team, the turmoil within Hope and Kelley’s relationship had just begun. Tobin, being the quiet observer, was the first to notice Kelley’s mood change. She was a lot quieter than usual, but when Tobin brought it up with Alex and Christen, they just waved it off as the usual post-tournament blues and the realization that she’s now competing for a position on the team. Over time though, the three friends noticed that Kelley had started to actively avoid them in camp, preferring to be with the newbies of the team as if they were some sort of distraction and shield. What was stranger to them though was the one other person that Kelley started to gravitate towards- the very person she was competing for with her spot on the team- Ali. Though they had no idea why Kelley had suddenly grown close to Ali, Christen was the first to point out that there could be a connection to Hope, and that the keeper’s absence was affecting the defender much more than they could imagine. The three friends approached Carli, who told them that Hope had mentioned nothing concerning Kelley, but that she also wouldn’t be surprised if their suspicions were correct. She reminded them that they had all witnessed something like this before- London. Hope and Kelley were close going into London and not so close afterwards. They all figured that just like the last time, they shouldn’t worry and just let it go. Time would heal things. 

 

But Ali didn’t let go. She’d been there from the very beginning, even if Kelley never knew she was. She remembers arriving at the airport in Rio, with everyone set to go their separate ways. She remembers all the goodbyes and optimism. In the midst of it all, Ali remembers Hope and Kelley disappearing to the bathroom and seeing Hope leave and board her plane alone no more than a half hour later. Ali remembers finding Kelley in the bathroom, a look of devastation on her face as she quickly wiped away tears before Ali could question her. Ali pretended not to notice and just comforted her friend. _Don’t worry. This will only make us better than before. We will come back stronger._ But based on Kelley’s expression, Ali knew her solemn behavior wasn’t because of the way the tournament ended, but because of whatever just happened between her and Hope. 

 

Ali remembers hearing about Hope’s termination, a shock not just to her but to everyone on the team. She remembers how their first camp without their number one keeper resulted in one of the worst training performances for the defense. Everyone felt so out of place, but it was the first time Ali approached Kelley and they agreed to move forward together, and to promise that whatever competition between them that may be arise would only be healthy and in light of what was best for the team. Ali remembers how the two bonded over that, but while Kelley seemed to be okay career-wise, she appeared to be struggling personally. Ali remembers Kelley being glued to her phone, always preferring to be alone when she received phone calls, effectively shutting out a lot of people. Ali remembers all their camps together thereafter, and how every time she saw Kelley, she looked worse. 

 

Ali remembers the night Kelley revealed everything to her. They had been roommates, and Ali walked in, catching Kelley on the phone, trying to get out her last couple words through tears. _I needed you. I fucking needed you._ The moment Kelley made eye contact with her, Ali knew something- someone- had broke her. It was right there that Kelley poured her heart to her in such full capacity that Ali had to remind her to breathe through the tears. All her previous suspicions were confirmed that night. 

 

Ali remembers how she practically had to nurse Kelley back to good health, to being herself again. She remembers suggesting therapy, but Kelley had unexpectedly lashed out, claiming she would never put herself through that again- that she could do this on her own this time. Ali remembers being confused- _what do you mean ‘this time’? has this happened before?_ But before she could ask, Kelley had left the room in anger. Ali remembers all the ups and downs- mostly downs- how sometimes Kelley refused to leave her room all day. Ali genuinely worried when they weren’t at camp; she couldn’t keep an eye on the young woman. But she’d call almost every night, staying up with her friend until she fell asleep. The nightly calls soon diminished and so did Kelley’s solemn behavior. Everything seemed back to normal. 

 

Until now. 

 

They finally arrive back to the team hotel. Ali still can’t put a reason to why Kelley would be so upset; she worked so hard to get to a place where an encounter with Hope wouldn’t destroy her anymore. She begins to believe that their relationship is much more complicated than just Rio. She begins to believe that it dates back further than that- that this, indeed, has happened to them before. 

 

“What the hell was that, Kelley?” 

 

“What are you talking about?” Kelley murmurs, getting her hotel room key out and entering her room. 

 

Ali follows, “You know what.” 

 

“No, I don’t.” Kelley begins getting undressed. 

 

Ali crosses her arms, her voice more firm, “Why were you so upset tonight?” 

 

Kelley looks at her friend with disbelief, “Are you seriously asking me that right now?” 

 

“Yes.” 

 

“Well I don’t know, Ali. Let’s see, what have I done today? I went on a run, got ready for some celebratory dinner, went to the bathroom…hm what else? Oh, I dealt with my ex, who I haven’t seen or talk to in years and has put me through hell and back. But hmm…I don’t think that’s what made me so upset…” Kelley responds sarcastically. 

 

“Okay, but the whole thing with Julie?” 

 

“She’ll be fine.” Kelley’s eyes avert from Ali’s contact, knowing that Ali did have a point- she should’ve at least heard out her friend. She resigns, “I’ll talk to Julie later.” 

 

Ali sighs, “I just think you might’ve been…overreacting a tad bit.” 

 

“Overreacting?!” Kelley exclaims, not believing that Ali would accuse her for that. She feels her voice become unstable, “You know what I’ve been through, Ali. You…you were there with me. So I’m sorry that seeing my ex…with someone else…made me so- I just…I didn’t think it would be this hard. I thought I was stronger than that, but I…” Kelley’s voice trails off as she sits down on her bed, shaking her head and berating herself.

 

“Kelley…” Ali reaches out. 

 

Kelley wipes her tears yet again, “No, don’t worry about it. I’ll be okay. I’ve done this before. It doesn’t matter. I won’t ever see her after tonight anyways.” 

 

Ali swallows, finding a place next to her friend. “We need to talk.” 

 

“We are talking. What more is there?” 

 

“Kelley, is there anything else you want to tell me? About you and Hope?” Ali presses. 

 

“No.” 

 

“You’re upset, Kell, I know. I would’ve been too. You have every right to be, but…there was something about the way you looked at Hope tonight and the way you handled it all- not even giving them the benefit of the doubt like I know you usually do because, Kell, you’re a good person. I just can’t help but think that all those emotions that came out of you tonight didn’t just stem from everything you’ve told me…you care a lot about Hope.” 

 

“Cared.” Kelley corrects her. 

 

“Okay, but the way you cared for Hope…that’s so much deeper that I thought. You showed me that tonight. I think there’s more to you and Hope that you’re not telling me- that maybe you haven’t told anymore,” Ali speculates. “But you can trust me. Please, I want to help you.” 

 

Kelley’s eyes flicker, hinting to Ali that she’s right. Yet, she says, “Like I said, it doesn’t matter anymore. Hope and I, we’ll just go back to pretending like we don’t exist to each other.” 

 

“You can’t just do that…” Ali’s voice fills with hesitancy. 

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because…” Ali sighs. “Because tonight, at the dinner, I heard staff talk about her returning. I think she’s all but signed a new contract- as an assistant goalkeeping coach for the team. Hope is back…for good.” 

 


	6. Her Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley attempts to talk to Hope, only to quickly realize it was a big mistake.

 

Kelley tries to buy time. At the end of practice, she offers to lend an extra hand in carrying all the equipment, all while keeping an eye on the most recent addition to their team. She’s carrying the last water cooler from the bus and into the hotel lobby when she sees Hope finish up her meeting with the rest of their coaches and staff. She waits patiently for Hope to stand alone before she quickly intercepts her.   
 ****

“Hey, can we talk?” Kelley gently grabs Hope’s arm. 

 

Hope looks down at her arm and then back at Kelley, who sheepishly removes it. She pretends to look around for a clock, “Isn’t it getting a little late?” 

 

“Please?” 

 

“Another time.” Hope murmurs before taking a step away. 

 

“I just want to apologize.” Kelley pleas, causing Hope to stop in her place. Folding her arms, she prepares to listen, to give the young defender the chance to explain herself. Kelley continues, “About the other night…I’m sorry. I made a lot of unfair assumptions.”

 

“Ok, apology accepted.” Hope simply replies without much thought. 

 

Kelley watches as Hope begins to walk away again. Her brows crease as she calls after her, “What? That’s it?” 

 

“You wanted to apologize, so I let you.” Hope states the obvious. 

 

It takes everything for Kelley to stay calm. She knows it’ll only make things worse if she got worked up. “Hope, please, there’s more to all this an ‘I’m sorry.’ Whether we like it or not, we’re going to be working together from here on out and you and I both know that no matter how hard we try to keep this to ourselves, people are going to meddle and I’m afraid it’ll affect the team dynamics, our game. 

 

Hope shrugs like none of what Kelley’s saying is new to her. “We’ve talked about this before. I already know. The game always comes first…at least we’ve always agreed on that, right?” 

 

“Yeah…” Kelley sighs, but then painfully admits, “And I think that’s the problem.” 

 

“What?” 

 

“We never put ourselves first.” 

 

“Whoa there, slow down.” Hope puts a hand up, her voice raising, “There’s no ‘we’ anymore.” 

 

“I didn’t mean…I know,” Kelley swallows hard, “I understand that. All I’m saying is if we’re going to work together, I’d like us to at least entertain the idea of being friends.” 

 

“Is this a joke?” Hope laughs sarcastically. “Friends…seriously?” 

 

“Come on, Hope, this isn’t funny.” Kelley does her best to keep a straight face, “We had something really great going on before…all this. You can’t tell me that what we shared together came out of thin air. It was based on a friendship first.” 

 

“You’re stupid to think that we can just forget abut the past.” 

 

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

 

Hope stares at Kelley long and hard, a rush of memories consuming her. She feels herself get heated. “ _Fuck._ ” She doesn’t care if her profanity causes the younger woman to wince. “You keep starting these conversations with me like they’re going to improve things. Well guess what, they aren’t. They’re making things worse. _This…_ ” Hope motions between herself and Kelley, “This is so damn complicated. I don’t know what you want me to say, Kelley. I don’t even know where to begin!” 

 

“At least I’m trying! Hope, we have to put in some effort. I’m not asking you to forget…but to… forgive?” Kelley lets her voice fall on her last word, already beginning to regret her word choice. 

 

Hope feels the tears begin to brim her eyes. The way Kelley stares at her burns through her core, making her legs struggle to keep her standing. Kelley always made her weak. She almost breaks, but the raw aching of her heart consumes her and manifests itself in anger. Her voice fills with bitterness, “You and I are in no place for that…and personally, I don’t think I will ever be ready for that.” She gulps, “I’m sorry.” 

 

“No, don’t be sorry…you don’t get to apologize.”

 

“But you do?” Hope’s voice fills with bewilderment. 

 

“Me apologizing…that’s different.” 

 

“How?!” 

 

“Because you haven’t forgiven me!” Kelley feels her heart rate rise, “I forgave you, Hope! I forgave you over and over again…you don’t even know how many times I gave you a second chance. The way I ended things after Rio is something I hate myself for until this very day. I need that burden lifted from me, and the only person who can do that is you! I’m not expecting us to forget about the past, but…look, all I need is for you to understand. Please, Hope. We can’t move on without that.” 

 

“For Christ’s sake, Kelley, then why?! If you couldn’t live with your decision, then why’d you make it in the first place?!” 

 

“I was hurt!” 

 

“What happened to all the forgiveness?” Hope throws Kelley’s words back in her own face. 

 

“I had enough! I couldn’t do it anymore…I ran out of second chances for you.” Kelley finally admits. 

 

“What you did to me…that’s something you’d expect from me. But from you?” Hope’s voice cracks, “Kelley, you were the only one I could trust.”  

 

Kelley folds her arms, letting their conversation pause. She breathes- one more try, one more chance. “Our problems are rooted in places I didn’t even know about. I’m sorry for believing that we were ready to talk. Clearly, we aren’t. But I don’t want to leave it like this, okay? I need closure. I hope we’ll find that one day. But like I said, for now, we just move on. Despite everything, we move on…if not for us, then for our team.” 

 

Hope shakes her head vigorously and when she looks at Kelley directly in her eyes, she’s set ablaze. Losing it, she yells, “Move on?! Why do you keep pushing that? Haven’t we fucking done that already?!” 

 

“Apparently not!” 

 

“I have a lot of things I need to say still.” Hope’s breathing gets quicker. 

 

“I know! So do I. But we aren’t ready!” 

 

Hope ignores Kelley and runs her hands through her hair in desperation, “ _Fuck_.” 

 

“Stop swearing.” Kelley murmurs quietly, shying away from Hope who only appears to be getting louder and bigger. 

 

“Don’t tell me what to do. Why did you come to me if you can’t handle the way I talk through things?” 

 

“Hope…what’s going on?” Kelley wonders, knowing that Hope’s beginning to digress in an unusual manner. 

 

“I’m fucking pissed.” Hope seethes, “You’re asking me to move on…since when do you actually talk to people about things, huh? Last time you wanted to move on, I didn’t even fucking know about it! And what the hell does moving on even mean? Last time, moving on meant pretending not to exist, literally disappearing, and now, moving on means friendship? What the hell do you mean, Kelley?! Maybe you should be clearer with what you want and we wouldn’t be in this mess.” 

 

Kelley takes in every word to heart, feeling herself get heavy with hurt. “I already said I was sorry…I’m just trying to make things right.” 

 

“Why do you keep apologizing?! I’m not fucking forgiving you, so just forget about it! Are you waiting for an apology from me? Wait, never mind, you said you already forgave me…but have you really? I don’t know because you’re not making yourself fucking clear. What kind of game are you trying to play?!” 

 

“What? No, Hope. It’s not that…” Kelley’s out of words; she’s terrified of what Hope had turned into right in front of her eyes- made of pure anger and accusations. 

 

“I say we continue to ignore each other.” Hope proposes against Kelley’s will. “It’s familiar territory, right? You’re awfully good at it, too, so it shouldn’t be a problem. You cut me off, remember?” 

 

“Was I so wrong in doing so?” Kelley questions. “You weren’t the one to talk either.” 

 

“Now I’m really starting to think that you haven’t forgiven me in whole.” 

 

“I have!” 

 

“Look, I was going through things…I am still am. I was fired!” Hope brings up her own pain. 

 

“That’s not an excuse! There’s no excuses when it comes to not talking to those who love you in even the darkest of times.” Kelley knows her argument is weak; they’re only going in circles. 

 

“Oh, but it’s perfectly fine for you to drop off the face of the earth? Of course it is. I keep forgetting that you’re Kelley O’Hara. You can do no wrong. You’re a sweetheart, the team’s Georgia peach. I’m Hope Solo. I do everything wrong. I’m the team’s burden. Where do we draw the fucking line?!” 

 

“I don’t have time for this.” Kelley begins to walk away, not wanting to be verbally abused anymore. “I’m going to kill myself going through this again.” She mutters only to herself. 

 

“Why do you want this so bad?” Hope continues to talk to her as she walks away. She expresses, “I don’t get it.” There’s a pause before she begins to chuckle, “Oh…my god.” 

 

Kelley turns around, “What? What more do you need to say? I don’t even know who you are. This isn’t you. Are you listening to yourself,Hope?” 

 

“Oh my god, I’m such an idiot.” Hope’s smiling. 

 

Kelley raises her brow, “Literally, what are you…?” 

 

“You’re trying to get into bed with me, aren’t you?” Hope finally accuses, thinking that she knows Kelley all too well. 

 

“No!” Kelley yells before Hope can open her mouth again. Biting her lip, “I’m not just that girl who pines after you, who gives you second chances when she doesn’t even give her own self a chance. I’ve grown up, Hope. And honestly? By now, I thought you would have too.” 

 

Kelley all but sprints away. She rushes back to her room, fiddling with her hotel card key, fighting back the tears. She heads straight for the bathroom where she lets out sobs, not giving a thought to the noise. The pain hurts too much. 

 

A half hour passes before she lets herself out of the bathroom, only to face Mal, sitting on her bed like a deer caught in headlights. Kelley knows she’s scared the young girl. Mal is clearly nervous, opening her mouth but only for no words to come out of it. Kelley weakly smiles, “I’m going to be okay, Mal. It’s okay.” 

 

Mal nods robotically, still wide-eyed at the sight of her friend. She anxiously waits for time to pass and once she’s sure that Kelley’s asleep, she leaves the room. But as soon as the door shuts, Kelley’s eyes fly open. She’d only pretended to fall asleep in attempts to calm down her younger roommate. She sits back up in bed, burying her face into her hands. She’s caught off guard when she hears the door open once more. Ali appears. 

 

Kelley shakes her head, “I…I…can’t…I can’t do this again.” 

 

“Oh, Kell…” Ali climbs into bed with her friend, wrapping her in a hug. “Mal said you were asleep…”

 

“Hope…” 

 

“Shhh…it’s okay. You should get some rest. We can talk tomorrow.” 

 

“No, no…” Kelley’s genuinely feared with fear, “No, Ali, there’s something wrong. Hope’s different.” 

 

“She’s been through a lot.” 

 

“I did this to her.” 

 

“Stop, no you didn’t. You both hold the blame, okay? You can’t take this all upon yourself.” Ali squeezes her friend’s arm. 

 

“I don’t know…who she is anymore. I don’t know…” Kelley’s stuttering. 

 

“Yes, you do. This is Hope…this is nothing new.” 

 

“No! I don’t know!” Kelley aggressively responds, “She’s never been this…cold. You should’ve heard her tonight, Ali, she wasn’t making any sense. It was like her mind was jumping all over the place…something’s not right. I’ve seen her at her worse and she was never like this.” 

 

Ali sighs, reluctantly admitting, “Well, Kell…maybe this is it. Maybe this is Hope’s worse.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the angst and the confusion, but the story's just getting started...!


	7. November 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope calls Kelley the night before her wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These little flashback nuggets are meant to fill in plot holes...and piece by piece, we'll get rid of the confusion :)

 

_// November 2012_

 

_Kelley’s flight had landed in Seattle close to midnight and despite her tired eyes, she couldn’t seem to sleep. She finds herself lounging in the comfort of her bed, surrounded by pillows and an assortment of snacks from the hotel’s vending machines. She flips through the television channels, anything to distract herself. She’s in Seattle for Hope’s wedding the next day. She tries not to think too hard about how no one else was really attending besides her; what matters is that she’s there for her friend. After all, she’d been the first to find out about the engagement._

 

_Around 4 am, Kelley’s just about ready to doze off, only to be jolted awake by her phone ringing. She feels herself stiffen, knowing that any phone call received in the middle of the night isn’t a good thing. She frantically searches for her phone buried under the covers and once she sees the caller ID, her heart skips a beat._

 

_“Hope?”_

 

_“I…I’m sorry for calling so late.”_

 

_Kelley cringes at the fear she hear’s in Hope’s voice. She gently asks, “Are you okay?”_

 

_“I didn’t think you’d answer.”_

 

_“Are you okay, Hope?” Kelley repeats with more urgency. She stands up, cluing in to all the commotion in the background. “Where are you?”_

 

_“Kirkland police station.”_

 

_“What, why? What happened?” Thousands of questions fill Kelley’s mind._

 

_“Jerramy’s been arrested.”_

 

_“Oh my god.” Kelley breathes in shock._

 

_Hope slowly explains, “We had some people over tonight, just a little gathering before the wedding. There was an altercation and before I knew it, the police were knocking on our front door.”_

 

_“Altercation?” Kelley questions curiously. When Hope doesn’t respond, Kelley quickly grabs her rental keys, “I’m coming to get you.”_

 

_“What? No, Kelley. Don’t…” Hope pleads ineffectively._

 

_“Even if you sounded convincing, I’d still find my way to you.”  Kelley isn’t oblivious to Hope’s call for help. She says with finality, “I’m coming.”_

 

_-_

 

_Kelley quickly makes her way through the sliding doors. Before she can even talk to someone, she finds Hope, sitting alone in the lobby. Her eyes fall to the ice pack in her lap and drops of dried blood on her shirt. Kelley rushes towards her, fire burning in her eyes._

 

_Hope looks up and shakes her head, “Kelley, it’s not what it looks like.”_

 

_“Wh…what happened?” Kelley says in disbelief. She sits down next to her, immediately placing her hand on top of Hope’s._

 

_“It’ll take too long to explain.”_

 

_“Then don’t waste anymore time.”_

 

_“I don’t want to talk about it.” Hope looks away._

 

_Kelley feels the blood pumping faster and harder through her veins. Clearly irritated, she demands, “You need to talk to me. From what it looks like…Hope, please tell me what happened.You can’t expect me to just sit here with you, like this, and not jump to any conclusions.”_

 

_“I didn’t ask you to come!” Hope responds harshly._

 

_“Then why did you call me?” Kelley retorts._

 

_“I don’t know!”_

 

_Kelley takes a deep breath, knowing it’s no use to reason during a situation like this. She softly comments, “You’re hurt, Hope.”_

 

_“I’ll be okay.”_

 

_They fall into a silence, tension hanging above their heads. Kelley doesn’t know how to help when she doesn’t know what’s going on. She wants answers, but knows that Hope will open up on her own time so she just waits patiently. Once Hope returns from giving her statement to the officers, she sits back down next to Kelley, a chuckle leaving her lips._

 

_“Classic.”_

 

_“Sorry?”_

 

_“I’m supposed to be getting married in less than twelve hours and I’m sitting in a police station because my fiancé managed to get himself arrested.” Hope smirks._

 

_“I know, I can’t believe it either.” Kelley murmurs._

 

_“No, no…the funny thing is,” Hope chuckles again, “I can believe this. Of course this would happen to me.”_

 

_“This will be a story to tell the kids one day.” Kelley points out, causing Hope to laugh. She, too, smiles. Even if Hope wasn’t willing to share what had happened, Kelley would find anyway to make her feel better._

 

_When Hope is done laughing, her expression becomes somber as she thinks about reality. “This is so messed up.”_

 

_Kelley sighs, placing a hand on her friend’s shoulder, “I’m sorry.”_

 

_Hope stares directly at Kelley for the first time since she’s arrived. “I want you to be honest with me, Kelley…do you think this is a sign? Do you think this wedding is a bad idea?”_

 

_“That’s not for me to decide.” Kelley replies softly, though it takes everything for her to restrain from saying yes. She’d had a strange feeling about all this from the day Hope had told her about the engagement._

 

_“I love him.” Hope whispers._

 

_Kelley’s heart sinks, and she doesn’t know why. Hope’s declaration of love should be convincing enough. Despite any circumstances, if two people truly loved each other, then they reserved the right to spent the rest of their lives together. Nothing should get in the way of that. She always believed that, so why weren’t her feelings of uncertainty going away? Why did she care so much? Why did she care so much to attend a wedding that no one else could make it to- not even Carli? Why did she care so much to drop everything and sit with Hope all night as she awaited the verdict of her fiancé’s domestic arrest? After all, she’s just a friend._

 

_“Like I’ve said a million times before, Hope, I just want to see you happy.” Kelley offers her a warm smile._

 

_Hope smiles in return before softly saying, “Thanks for being here, Kell.”_

 

_“Always.”_

 

_Before either of them could speak another word, an officer and an attorney with Jeramy appears. Hope immediately runs up to him, hugging him close. The attorney explains that they’re expected to show up to court, but it’s unlikely that the judge would find probable reason to keep him in custody. Kelley watches from afar until Jerramy, with his arm wrapped around Hope, approaches her._

 

_“You’re Kelley, right?”_

 

_“Yeah, nice to meet you.” Kelley responds out of courtesy._

 

_“Thank you.” Jerramy says with sincerity. “Thanks for keeping Hope company tonight.”_

 

_“Not a big deal.” Kelley shrugs, sending a weak smile in Hope’s direction._

 

_“We’ll see you at the wedding?” Jerramy confirms._

 

_“Oh right…of course.” Kelley nods._

 

_“See you then.”_

 

_And just like that, Kelley watches Jerramy disappear with Hope down the hall, more conflicted than ever before. What a night; what a mess. The more time she spent with Hope, the more complicated her life had become. Kelley just wants to be there for her friend, but it’s turning out to be much harder than anticipated. She’d only met Jerramy less than five minutes ago, and she’s already experiencing a growing resentment towards him. If it weren’t for him, Hope wouldn’t have been a part of this mess. She shouldn’t have been filled with worry and fear the night before her own wedding. But still standing alone in the lobby of the police station, Kelley begins to resent Jerramy for more than that reason. She resents him because he has the one thing she could never have. She resents him because he made her finally face the truth._

 

_She’s in love with Hope._

 


	8. When You Love Someone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another confrontation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see! I'm sorry for leaving without notice- I've been vacationing for awhile and it's been hard to get back into the swing of things. I'm looking forward for this chapter to be the start of many more. Enjoy!

Hope lies on her bed with a book in her hand, reading the same sentence over and over again. She can’t remember the last time she’d finish a whole book. She used to have a never ending stack on her bed night stand, but this was the first time she’d pick up a book in months and honestly, she only did so when she noticed Carli reading silently as well. It used to be easy to pass time in camps; the pair of best friends were known for staying cooped up in their hotel room just to read. Now, each day, Hope could barely wait until it was bed time when she’d be sound asleep and her mind would be put to rest. 

But even then Hope couldn’t find peace. It was rare she’d sleep through the whole night; if she was lucky, she’d get a full five hours of sleep. She had been doing alright until now. Something about the game and being around her teammates again- being around Kelley- was slowly pushing her over the edge. She thought that having a routine again would give her a sense of direction, but she still felt so lost. Most of the time, she blamed the lack of sleep for her clouded mind. But deep down, Hope knew she couldn’t contribute everything to the exhaustion. There was no one who knew her better than her self- and lately she wasn’t herself. She felt anxious and uptight, and if she wasn’t either of those two, she was angry. She admitted that in the past, she lashed out as well, but she always had a reason to. Now, she was just angry- at the federation, at the team, at her family, at her ex-husband, at Kelley, at herself for staying up late thinking about how angry she exactly was. At the bottom of it all though, she was terrified. She had no reason to be angry at anyone or anything, and she was scared that she’d reach a place so dark that no one could help her see the light. She needed help.

A knock on the door brings Hope out of her thoughts. When Carli opens it and peaks over her shoulder to discretely look at her friend, Hope already knows. She swings her legs over the side of the bed and before she knows it, she’s face to face with Kelley. She looks down to see her own toiletry bag in the younger woman’s hands. 

“I think you left this on the bus…Mal found it, but I offered to run it up to you.” 

“Oh,” Hope reaches out and takes the small bag into her hands. She murmurs, “Thanks.” 

“Any time.” They stare for a moment that feels like an eternity. Kelley opens her mouth, but then hesitates. She lowers her head instead, “Have a good night.” 

She’s halfway out the door when Hope stops her, “Kelley, wait.” Hope’s heart skips a beat. She looks back at Carli, who gives her a look of reassurance. She swallows, “I owe you an apology.” 

“You don’t owe me anything…especially not another apology.” Kelley sighs. 

“Yes, I do.” Hope takes a step closer, “I’m not apologizing about our past…I don’t want to talk about our past anymore. I’m not ready.” 

Kelley’s brows arch in interest. “But when you are ready…”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Hope’s voice grows stern. She continues, “I just wanted to apologize about what I insinuated the other night. I knew you weren’t trying to sleep with me, or whatever. I just don’t know what got into me…I don’t think of you like that, Kel. I never have.” She offers a weak smile. 

Hearing Hope say her name with such gentleness- like the good old days- made Kelley’s knees go weak. She nods, “I appreciate that, Hope.” 

“But I do miss us.” Hope says with an honesty and longing that Kelley can’t help but interpret to mean so much more. She allows her voice to fall into a whisper that only Kelley can hear, “I miss who I am when I’m with you.” 

“I do too.” Kelley’s chest tightens, doings its best to protect her heart from making the same mistake twice. “But we can’t put ourselves through this again…look what we’ve done, the damage we’ve caused. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that we’ll make it out of this.” 

“I know, I know…” Hope agrees, “I just wanted you to know that. I miss you.” 

“And what am I supposed to do with that?” Kelley’s eyes beg for answers. “I just don’t understand. You want one thing, I want another, and despite what we both want, we can’t have it! We can’t be together and we can’t be apart, and whichever decision we make will destroy us. So tell me, Hope, what am I supposed to do?”

“I’m not asking you to do anything!” Hope blurts out before softening her temperament, “Nothing…that’s our best option. There’s nothing we can do.” 

“So we just stand by, watching each other suffer.” 

“No, we can just…talk.” 

“Right, because talking about our problems doesn’t solve anything. It only causes more problems.” Sarcasm fills the younger woman’s voice. 

“We’re not trying to solve this, Kelley. We’re just trying to live.” 

“Well, I can’t live like this.” 

“Fuck, Kelley, I’m reaching out to you! Don’t you see? This is me reaching out as best as I know how…I can’t fucking do this!” Hope angrily spits. 

“See?! Why do you do that?! How do you become so full of rage in less than second?” Kelley’s voice falls into a sad curiosity, “What is wrong with you?” 

Hope calms down, “I’m trying. I’m trying to reach out as best as I know how at the moment. Maybe you’re right; maybe we can be friends somewhere down the road. But we can’t force it…it has to happen naturally. That’s all I mean by doing nothing.” 

Kelley’s shaking her head at the taller woman. She tells her, “Hope, I think you’re missing the point…forget about us for a second. I’m worried about you. You just jumped from one end of a spectrum to the other and you didn’t even notice.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“One moment you’re yelling at me, and the next you’re calmly reasoning. There’s a disconnect here.” 

“I’m just tired.” Hope lamely excuses herself. 

Kelley quickly glances over to Carli, who’s keeping to herself and doing her best to stay out of their conversation. Kelley sighs, regaining contact with Hope. Lowering her voice, she asks, “What are the medications for?” 

Hope’s caught off guard, realizing what Kelley meant. She looks down at her toiletry bag and then back up at the younger woman, her eyes full of distrust. “You looked through my stuff?” 

Kelley admits, “No…not exactly. I just…some of the containers and whatnot fell out, and I just helped put them back in. I couldn’t help but notice-”

“They’re my sleeping pills.” 

“I’m not stupid.” Kelley pursues, “Those all cannot just be sleeping pills.” 

“Get out.” Hope’s jaw clenches. 

“I know it’s not my business-”

“Damn right, it’s not.” 

“But Hope please, you need help.” Kelley begs her. 

“Get the fuck out!” 

“You’re clearly unstable!” 

“Who are you? My doctor? My psychologist?” 

“I’m…I’m your…” Kelley’s at a loss of words, and it hurts her more than she realizes. She really doesn’t know what she’s doing, but all she knows is that she cares. 

“I have everything under control.” Hope lies, even to herself. 

“No you don't!” Kelley fights back. 

“You need to leave my room now.” 

“I don’t know who you are anymore.” 

“There’s a lot that you don’t know about me, Kelley.” Hope looks down at her feet, “Please, leave…Carli, you too.”

Carli’s head pops up from her book that she’s obviously not reading anymore. “Wait, me?” 

“I said I was tired.” Hope repeats. 

“That’s not fair, don’t do that Hope.” Kelley tries to regain eye contact with the older woman. She backs away until she's standing in the doorframe, “I’m sorry for ruining your night.” She leaves without another word. 

The room falls silent besides Carli slowly gathering her belongings. She knows when to give Hope space, and this is one of those times. She figures she can crash next door. With her belongings piled in her arms, she follows the young defender. But before she leaves, she admits, “Hope, she’s right…are you sure you have everything under control?” 

Hope takes hold of the door, closing it halfway. “Good night, Carli..”


	9. 2013 (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley moves on after Hope's wedding (Part 1)

**_Spring_ **

 

_Kelley continues to live her best life. Having just returned from camp, she feels great relief. She thrives under the high pressure that comes with being apart of the national team, but sometimes it gets exhausting- in more ways than one. Hope still has no clue. Kelley herself can barely come to terms with what had happened at the end of the year, and there’s no chance she’s risking their friendship- or Hope’s marriage- by telling Hope how she felt. She can’t wait for the NWSL season to begin, for it to take her mind off of things._

 

_It helps significantly to have an outlet. Apart from soccer, Kelley spends time with some of her old, but closest, friends. They plan last minute day trips together, explore cities, and reminisce about their college days. It’s stress free. Kelley likes who she is, and how she feels, when she’s with them. It’s easy to connect after years, almost too easy with one of her dear friends, Ann._

 

**_Summer_ **

 

_As the weather becomes warmer, so does the heat between them. Kelley never expected to be in the predicament that she finds herself in now. She had thought she’d need more time to think things through, but whenever she was with Ann, her life couldn’t be more simple. She had moved on with caution, not wanting their relationship to be a rebound of sorts. But at the same time, what was she rebounding from? It’s not like feelings between her and Hope had ever been mutual; they had never even been out in the open. At the end of the day, Kelley feels full again._

 

_Until there’s yet another bump in the road. Kelley’s path to being whole is short lived. She injures herself midway through season and no matter how hard she fights through the aches and pain, she knows she can’t ignore it any longer. She has a meeting with her coaches and physicians, and the next best step is surgery. In front of everyone, she acts like it’s not a big deal, but deep down, it’s breaking her. It takes some time before those closest to her begin to pick up on her dampened attitude. She’s scared and not looking forward to months off the field, but she finds comfort in her support system._

 

_“Alright, I’m going to run to the store and get last minute things for tomorrow.” Ann tells her._

 

_“It’s getting late, don’t worry about it.”_

 

_“No, no, I just want to make sure you have everything you need in the living room and it’s one last thing your parents have to worry about when they’re here.”_

 

_Kelley knows Ann’s mind is already set, so she gives her a weak smile, “Thank you.”_

 

_“I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere.”_

 

_“I couldn’t even if I tried.” Kelley leans on her crutches, pointing down to her boot._

 

_“Oh, you would a find a way.” Ann replies, chuckling to herself as she closes the door behind her._

 

_Kelley settles down in her room, changing into more comfortable clothes and getting ready for bed. She’s brushing her teeth when she notices her phone begin to vibrate and light up. She quickly finishes and answers it._

 

_“Hello?”_

 

_“Hey, it’s me.”_

 

_“Oh hey.”_

 

_There’s a pause between the two of them; neither know what to say nor the reason for the phone call. Hope breaks the silence, “I just wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow.”_

 

_“Thanks.” Kelley’s still hesitant as to what will come out of their phone call, not that she’s expecting much._

 

_“Are you nervous?”_

 

_“Yeah, a little.”_

 

_“Good. I’d be worried if you weren’t.”_

 

_“I don’t know how I’m going to handle being off my feet for weeks. I can barely sit still as it is.” Kelley sighs._

 

_“You’ll need the rest, trust me.”_

 

_“Doesn’t mean I want it though.”_

 

_“You might be more stubborn than I am.” Hope lets out a faint laugh. “Listen to the doctors, Kelley.”_

 

_“I will, I will.”_

 

_“You don’t sound very convincing.”_

 

_“As long as they don’t tell me I won’t ever play again after I wake up.”_

 

_Hope knows Kelley well enough to realize that she’s not joking. Her voice becomes stern, “Kelley, your surgery won’t keep you from the field forever. I promise you.”_

 

_“That’s a big promise.” Kelley scoffs._

 

_“Hey, it’s ankle reconstruction, right? That’s not the worse thing in the world. You know that.”_

 

_Kelley remains quiet before speaking up again, “I’m scared, Hope.”_

 

_“I’m thinking of you.”_

 

_Kelley’s nerves steady, hearing Hope’s soft words of comfort. She lets her mind drift off. She can’t help but take her words out of context. Before she can respond, she hears Ann come in._

 

_“Hey, Kell, is there a certain place we should keep these things?” Ann calls from the kitchen._

 

_“Uh, I’ll be there in a minute!”  Kelley yells, before putting her phone back to her ear._

 

_Hope’s voice fills the phone again, “Who was that?”_

 

_“Uh, just my friend, Ann.” She knows she shouldn’t feel the need to explain herself, but she does anyways. “She’ll be helping me while I recover.”_

 

_“Oh…that’s nice of her.”_

 

_“Yeah, she’s great.” Kelley says truthfully._

 

_“Maybe I can come visit you soon?” Hope suddenly brings up, surprising herself more than Kelley._

 

_“I can’t ask you to do that.”_

 

_“You aren’t asking- I want to.” Hope convinces her, “It’ll be fun.”_

 

_“I’d like that.” Kelley’s smile only grows more and little does she know, so does Hope’s._

 

_“Hey, I’ll talk to you soon, okay? I should let you get some sleep. Like I said, I’m thinking about you.”_

 

_“Thanks, Hope.”_

 

_Ann appears in her doorway, “Kelley, where did you put- oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were on the phone.”_

 

_“No, no…I just got done.” Kelley quickly hangs up, leaning on her bed for support to stand up._

 

_“No need to get up, I’m almost finished placing things in the living room. I’ll head out afterwards.”_

 

_Kelley looks at Ann, their eyes forming a warm connection. She suggests, “Actually, will you stay with me tonight?”_

 

_Ann walks up to her, placing their foreheads together and wrapping her arms around her, “Of course, babe.”_

 

_Kelley finds comfort in Ann’s embrace; it’s been awhile since someone held her like this. She still doesn’t know what words to use to describe their relationship, but ‘summer fling’ sure wasn’t one of them. She’s moving forward._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is on the short side. I hadn't plan on cutting this into two, but I thought it made more sense. This just sets the scene. Part 2 will add more to the story- and will be out tomorrow. Cheers!


	10. 2013 (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley moves on after Hope's wedding (Part II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part 2!

 

**_Fall_ **

 

_The surgery goes well. The doctors point out that she’s on track to a quick recovery, but Kelley doesn’t quite feel herself. It’s been a month without much movement and though that’s normal, she hates moving backwards before moving forward. She’s glad there weren’t any complications with the surgery itself, but the daily rehab appointments and checkups were getting old. Her mood only worsened as the days passed._

 

_Hope hears Kelley giving up over the phone and decides it’s time to make good with her promise. She finds herself dropping everything in Seattle, leaving her husband for a teammate. The more she thinks about her actions, the more unusual they become. When she steps off the plane, she convinces herself that this is just what friends do._

 

_Hope arrives and knocks on the door, only to be greeted by a stranger. She introduces herself as Kelley’s teammate and the young brunette lights up with excitement and joy that seems a bit too overboard for the circumstances at hand. Yet again, this is normal. You’re supposed to have a solid, upbeat support system during hard times. She’s still getting used to this- she’s more in tuned with reading the darker side of situations._

 

_She follows Ann into the living room and finds herself looking at an empty couch. Ann sighs heavily before calling out, and before they know it, Kelley appears on her crutches._

 

_“Look who’s here!”_

 

_When Hope finally makes eye contact with Kelley, her beliefs are confirmed. Her usually bright teammate looked like she had a cloud looming over her head. She didn’t look good._

 

_Hope teases, “What are you doing on your feet?”_

 

_“I hate when people ask me that.” Kelley mumbles. Ann anxiously follows her as she limps to take a seat besides Hope, “I’m perfectly fine.”_

 

_“Well gee, ‘Hey Hope, thanks for taking the time to visit me!’” Hope responds sarcastically._

 

_Kelley sighs, knowing better to treat a friend like that. “Thanks for coming, Hope. I really appreciate it…seriously.”_

 

_“Anytime, Kel.”_

 

_“Okay, you two, I’ll let you catch up. I’m going to run some errands. Oh, and Kel-Bel, I’m sorry but I have work early tomorrow morning. I won’t be able to stay tonight.” Ann tells her girlfriend._

 

_Hope’s eyes widen, looking between the two of them. It’s silent as Ann gathers her belongings to leave. Once she’s gone, Hope stares at Kelley._

 

_“What?”_

 

_“Kel-Bel?” Hope smirks._

 

_“Shut up.”_

 

_“Why didn’t you tell me?!” Hope gives her a light shove._

 

_“Ow, that’s not how you treat an invalid!” Kelley rubs her arm._

 

_“Wimp. Last time I checked, you had surgery on your ankle.” Hope reminds her. “And stop avoiding my question, why didn’t you tell me?”_

 

_“Tell you what?”_

 

_“That you’re seeing someone!” Hope exclaims like it’s the most obvious thing in the world._

 

_Kelley shrinks back in her chair, even though she knew Hope would eventually find out. She shrugs, “I didn’t find it necessary.”_

 

_“Of course it is!” Hope is bewildered._

 

_“Why?”_

 

_“Because you and I, we’re friends!”_

 

_Hope’s statement burns. Kelley knows it’s not her fault, so she apologizes, “I know…I’m sorry. I’ve just been in a bad mood lately.”_

 

_“That’s an understatement.”_

 

_“I’m sorry.”_

 

_“It’s okay. I understand…I’ve been there.” Hope continues the conversation, “So, this is kind of a big deal. How long have you two been together?”_

 

_“Since the beginning of summer. I’ve known her since college.”_

 

_“Oh, so like me and Jerramy.”_

 

_“Uh, yeah, sure.”_

 

_“So are you serious?”_

 

_Kelley suddenly feels under pressure. She feels herself getting worked up and before she says something she regrets, she puts an end to their conversation. “I don’t really want to talk about this right now, if that’s okay. I’m tired.”_

 

_“Oh, yeah of course.”  Hope completely understands. “What movie should we watch?”_

 

_“Uh, no movies…I was thinking maybe we can just lay here?”_

 

_Hope realizes how dull Kelley’s eyes have become, how the young woman has started to surrender. It begins to break Hope’s heart, seeing someone she cared about like this. She knows this is something to be addressed later, but for now, she respects her wishes and before they know it, they’re sleeping soundly against one another._

 

_-_

 

_A door bell brings Kelley out of her deep sleep. She wakes up groggily and looks up to see Hope sleeping soundly. She lifts her head from the keeper’s chest before gently nudging her._

 

_“Hope…”_

 

_“Hm?” Hope stirs._

 

_“The door.” Kelley explains, “Can you get it?”_

 

_Hope’s eyes blink open, Kelley’s face coming into view. She stands up, yawning, “Yeah, I got it.”_

 

_The peaceful silence is broken by Ann’s perky voice. She trudges into the living room, talking mostly to herself. “I should really have a key. I mean, that’s not me asking to move in of course. I just think that since I’m here most of the time, I should at least have a temporary one…or we could also make it permanent.”_

 

_Kelley stares blankly ahead. Noticing that she’s obviously not part of the conversation, Hope excuses herself. “I’m going to get some coffee…can I grab something for you guys?”_

 

_“Ooo! There’s a great coffee shop just ten minutes away. I’ll have a vanilla latte with half the sugar, but double the shots. Oh, and a sprinkle of cinnamon. That’s my usual order.”_

 

_Hope stares at Ann like she’d just ordered the most complicated drink in the world. Kelley mumbles, “I’m good.”_

 

_Kelley watches as Hope leaves and Ann begins to clean up around the living room. She’s not sure what gets to her, but all of a sudden there’s tears streaming down her face. Maybe it’s her ankle. Maybe it’s the way Hope just walked out. Maybe it’s Ann barging in. Maybe it’s the fact that those two people weren’t exactly where she wanted them to be._

 

_“Oh my god, Kel-Bel, what’s wrong?”_

 

_Kelley wants to scream, to yell at Ann for even asking her that question, but she knows that’s not fair. She remains silent, wiping her tears away._

 

_“Shhh, it’s okay…are you in pain?”_

 

_“A little.” Kelley truthfully responds._

 

_“Shh, I’m here.” Ann climbs onto the couch with her, holding her close. “Want to talk about it?”_

 

_Kelley shakes her head. It’s not that she doesn’t want to talk- part of it is because there are simply too many thoughts flowing through her mind and the other part of it is that maybe Ann wasn’t the right person to talk to._

 

_“We’ll get you help, I promise.”_

 

**_Winter_ **

 

_Kelley finds herself sitting on a beige couch across a stranger. She takes inventory of the room- a clock, a desk, a coat hanger, and a bookshelf. It’s only been a minute of introductions and fake smiles, and she’s already dreading the next two hours._

 

_“So, Kelley, what brings you here?”_

 

_“Well, my girlfriend convinced me to give it a shot.”_

 

_“Why does she think you need someone to talk to, some professional help?”_

 

_“I’m recovering from surgery. It’s been a good three months now, but I guess I’m still not myself. I’m restless at night. My appetite is terrible. I feel like there’s a disconnect with my mind and body. I’m physically okay, but my mind makes me feel like I’m stranded in one place. I can’t move on without taking a hundred steps backwards.”_

 

_The woman doesn’t jot anything down, but instead asks more questions. “Do you have any idea why you feel this way?”_

 

_“Well, it’s the surgery, obviously. It’s causing a lot of stress…I guess I’m worried about my career. What if this is it for me? What if I never get called up to the national team again? What if I never play soccer again?”_

 

_“Those seem like an extreme statements.” The therapist flips though a profile and observes, “According to rehab notes, you’re on schedule to a great recovery…you’re ahead, in fact.”_

 

_“I know. I just miss playing. Soccer is my life.”_

 

_“It’s good to set goals, Kelley. It’s a very good sign to see you thinking about your future. I honestly don’t see a reason to think this recovery process isn’t normal.”_

 

_“I still don’t feel myself.” Kelley plays with a strand at the hem of shirt. Deep down, she too, wants to figure out what’s going on._

 

_There’s a pause before the therapist confirms, “So you mentioned you came in here because your girlfriend wanted you to?”_

 

_“Yeah.”_

 

_“How long have you two been together?”_

 

_“Six months.” Kelley expands, “She’s been great helping me through my surgery and all this.”_

 

_“That’s good to hear that you have a support system.”_

 

_“Hm, yeah…” Kelley thinks hard before admitting, “I feel bad though.”  Seeing the therapist genuinely interested, she continues, “Ann’s doing so much for me and I’m not progressing.”_

 

_“Yes, you are.” The older woman disagrees._

 

_“No, it’s different…sometimes I feel guilty?” Kelley’s not sure if that’s the right word._

 

_“Like a burden?”_

 

_“I don't know…sure.”_

 

_“What would make your girlfriend even think about suggesting therapy though?”_

 

_“Like I said, my ankle.” Kelley lets out a huff, slightly annoyed. “Look, Ann’s not an athlete. She gets a little carried away with the whole caretake thing. The only reason why I’m here is because I had a breakdown in front of her. The tears must’ve scared her. I don’t cry often. I mean, I guess I’m fine then, right?”_

 

_“Breakdown?”_

 

_“Well, it’s not like I lost my shit. I just…Hope, one of my teammates, visited me for a weekend. Having her there…I don’t know, it was strange. There was a lot going on and it freaked Ann out.”_

 

_“Hmmm…”_

 

_Kelley notices it’s the first time that her therapist began to take notes. “Maybe you’re right. I think I’m just here because I’m listening to Ann. I’m fine, honestly…at least I tried, right?”_

 

_“Wait one moment there…” The therapist prevents Kelley from gathering her things to leave. She points out, “You, yourself, wouldn’t have come here if you didn’t think you were not okay.”_

 

_Kelley slowly settles back into the couch. The room falls silent until the therapist changes the course of conversation. “Tell me about Hope.”_

 

_Kelley looks up, sincerely confused. “What?”_

 

_“Your friend, right?”_

 

_“Yeah…”_

 

_“Well, tell me about her.”_

 

_“Um, okay.” Kelley’s not sure what point is being made, but she goes with the flow._

 

_She talks about when they first met. She talks about how she literally shook if the keeper so much looked at her. She talks about Hope’s only statement to her, ‘Welcome to the team, Kelley’ , a the only thing she remembers on that first day of camp._

 

_She talks about London. She talks about their friendship beginning to grow due to reasons that no one knew. She talks about seeing a side of Hope that was reserved only for her._

 

_She talks about attend Hope’s wedding, how she was so proud to be the only friend and teammate that Hope would open up to that night before._

 

_She talks about how every time she sees Hope, the world speeds up and slows down all at once._

 

_Kelley’s so carried away that she forgets the only other person in the room. It takes her voice to bring her out of her thoughts, “Our time is up.”_

 

_Kelley looks towards the clock, amazed by the time. “It’s been two hours already? Wow, I’m sorry you had to hear all that.”_

 

_“Don’t be sorry. I wouldn’t have a job, otherwise.” The therapist chuckles lightheartedly, “That was great, Kelley.”_

 

_“I appreciate your time, but I don’t see how this is helping.” Kelley clears up her concern, “What does Hope have to do with anything?”_

 

_The therapist leans forward, like she’s about to let Kelley in on the greatest secret of all time. She takes off her glasses and stares right at the young woman. “Now, I think we both know the reason why you’re here today.”_


	11. Little Do You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope finally reveals the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter highlights the main preface for this whole fic...

 

The victory tour continues in Washington D.C, where Kelley and Ali are once again paired as roommates. It’s clear to Ali that a lot is on Kelley’s mind. She doesn’t pursue a conversation, knowing perfectly well that Kelley will come to her in time. The team has some downtime in the afternoon, so they lounge in each other’s rooms with doors open. Kelley’s mindlessly surfing the internet when she notices the door creak open with Julie’s head peeking in. 

 

“Mind if I come in?” 

 

Without hesitation, Ali replies for the both of them, “Yeah, of course.” 

 

Her eyes set on Kelley, Julie gently sits on the edge of Ali’s bed. “I heard they’re about to start a move in Alex and Allie’s room. You joining?”

 

Kelley reminds silent while Ali nods, “Yeah, I was just about to leave. You coming too?” 

 

“Yeah…” Julie sighs, “I thought I’d give my roommate some peace and quiet. I think she’s ready to sleep, actually.”

 

Ali frowns, “Who’s your roommate?” 

 

Julie glances over towards Kelley, her voice lowering, “Well, I was supposed to have a single but…I mean it’s unusual that staff get paired with players, but there weren’t enough rooms and…” She finally admits, “It’s Hope.” 

 

Kelley rolls her eyes, finally facing her two teammates, “Look, you don’t have to act all secretive around me. Say what you have to say. Do what you want to do. I don’t care.” 

 

Julie’s startled by Kelley’s tone, still not sure how to begin a conversation around the events that had transpired at their celebration dinner in New York. She sighs, “I never meant to hurt you, Kelley.” 

 

Ali watches as Kelley puts her headphones on, slightly enraged by the way she’s treating their friend. She jumps off her bed, walks over, and grabs Kelley’s headphones off her ears and abruptly throws them to the side. In a disciplinary tone, she orders, “I’m going to leave and you two are going to talk.” 

 

Julie’s eyes grow wide, “Wait, Ali, I don’t-“

 

“You came into our room for a reason, Julie.” Ali points out. 

 

Soon, the Kelley and Julie are left alone in the room. It’s silent for a moment before Kelley crosses her arms defensively, “Ali’s right. Why are you here?” 

 

“I just came to see if you guys wanted to watch the movie.” 

 

“Stop lying to me.” 

 

“I never lied to you!” Julie exclaims before stuttering, “Well…I mean, I never intended for all this…” 

 

Kelley looks at her friend, seeing genuine conflict in her eyes. She feels bad for causing the younger woman stress, knowing that she had no right to say anything until she heard her side of the story. Kelley takes a deep breath before calmly suggesting, “Okay, I don’t want to fight about this. I’ve had enough of that lately…how about we each share our sides of the story first? We’ll start from the beginning and go from there.” 

 

Julie nods, indicating for Kelley to start. Kelley sighs, finally admitting, “I think it’s safe to say that everyone knows the gist of what happened between me and Hope, starting after the World Cup and ending after Rio. I ended what we had for reasons I don’t want to go into details, but long story short, we haven’t talked these last few years. I was already struggling with being blindsided by her sudden return just a few weeks ago, so when I saw you two that night, I didn’t know what to do other than make assumptions. Whether my assumptions are right or wrong, I felt a little betrayed- I still do. I know I have no right to dictate who Hope chooses to talk to, but after everything we went through, I let my emotions take a toll on me. I also thought that you knew about me and Hope, so I just couldn’t understand why you would…” Kelley looks down, ashamed. “This is all just stupid and immature.” 

 

“Hey, I get where you’re coming from.” Julie places a hand on Kelley’s before explaining, “I don’t expect you to tell me anything. Hope hasn’t even told me, herself. All I know is exactly what you said, the gist of things. I do my best to respect everyone’s privacy. A couple months after Rio, Hope contacted me. I wasn’t exactly sure why me, but she told me that she needed me like she did during the semi-final against Germany. There’s a bond between us; I owe her a lot when it comes to my career. I couldn’t just not pick up her calls. All we’ve done these last few years is talk. Nothing every happened between us, I promise.” 

 

“So, Hope never told you about…” 

 

“Nothing. All I know is that Hope cares about you, Kelley.” Julie informs her sincerely, “She asks about you a lot.” 

 

“She does?” There’s a tone of surprise in Kelley’s voice. 

 

“It’s like I was expected to report back to her about you, or something.” Julie frowns at her own words, “Okay, I didn’t mean for that to sound as creepy as it did.” 

 

Kelley lets out a small chuckle, “No, it’s fine…look, I overreacted and I’m really sorry.” 

 

“I understand.” Julie shrugs. 

 

“Are we good?” 

 

“We’re good.” Julie smiles in relief, pausing before she speaks again. “But I still need to talk to you about something.” 

 

“Uhm, okay?” 

 

“Like I said before, I don’t expect you to give me details about what happened or what’s happening now, but Kelley, I’m worried about Hope. She’s…I don’t know…different? She’s not who she used to be.” 

 

“What do you mean?” Kelley asks slowly, intrigued by someone else having the same observations as she did lately.

 

“Now that I’m roommates with her, I guess I’m noticing it more? She doesn’t say much, and when she does, it’s no more than a sentence. I don’t think she sleeps much at night, always tossing and turning. Her temper can be short. She honestly looks like a ghost to me.” 

 

“Have you talked to her?” 

 

“Yeah, but I can’t get much out of her.” Julie sighs.

 

“Why are you telling me this?” Kelley asks quietly, even though she probably knew the answer. 

 

“Because you’re the only one she opens up to.” 

 

“But Carli…” 

 

Julie shakes her head, “I’ve already talked to Carli. She knows something’s up as well, but thinks we should still give her space. I don’t know, but something doesn’t feel right. I think Hope really needs help.” 

 

“I know she does.” Kelley says, falling silent. She weighs all the options in her head, and does her best to come to terms with the conflicting emotions she’s feeling. Suddenly, her feet do the talking and she’s hallway out the door, leaving a clueless Julie behind. 

 

Kelley walks a few doors down, pounding her fists on the frame. “Hope? Are you there?” No response. “Hope, I know you’re in there. It’s me. We need to talk.” She keeps pounding. 

 

The door finally swings open with an enraged Hope on the other side. “What the hell?” 

 

Kelley shoves herself through the door and then turns back around, repeating, “We need to talk.” 

 

“Jesus Christ, I thought we were done with all this. Don’t you see it’s past my bedtime?”

 

“It’s 8 pm.” Kelley observes, before cutting straight to the point, “I’m worried about you.” 

 

“Here we go again…” 

 

“I’m not the only one.” Kelley admits, “Julie told me that…” 

 

“God damnit it…” Hope brings her hand to her forehead. 

 

“It’s not her fault for telling me about…I don’t know, all this.” Kelley gestures at Hope’s entire being.

 

“What? Me not sleeping? Believe it or not, that’s common to a lot of people.” 

 

“Not just that. Your attitude?” 

 

“My attitude?” Hope scoffs, “Unbelievable, you think you can tell me how to behave? Are you my mother?” 

 

“Hope, you’re different!” Kelley exclaims, “Please, let us help you.” 

 

“How?!” Hope’s eyes are ablaze, “How would you help me?! There’s absolutely nothing anyone can do that will help.” 

 

Kelley realizes Hope’s breaking in front of her. She calms her voice, “Help with what? Hope, tell me.” 

 

“I’m just dealing with some things, okay?” 

 

“What is it? Is it about the team? Is it about your contract?” Kelley’s voice trembles, “Is it about me?” 

 

“Fuck,” Hope draws out, groaning, “Not everything is about you, Kelley!” 

 

“No, this is about me helping you, Hope. This is about you.” 

 

“What makes you so entitled to help me?” 

 

“Because I…” Kelley forcefully tells her, “Because I know you the most. You’re an open book to me.” 

 

“Except for now, apparently.” 

 

“Help me understand.” Kelley reaches out, only for Hope to shy away. 

 

“No.” 

 

“Okay, fine, if not me, then at least talk to a professional. Please, make an appointment to see a doctor.” 

 

“No.” 

 

“If you see someone, I won’t ever bug you again. I swear.” Kelley pleads. 

 

“No.” 

 

“Stop doing that! Talk to me!” Kelley yells. 

 

Hope knows Kelley’s persistent. She won’t ever leave her alone until she tells her the truth. For the first time in awhile, she realizes that the truth is her best option right now. She blows up, “I suffer from post traumatic stress disorder!” She watches as Kelley turns pale. “I’ve already been to all the goddamn doctors in this world. Nothing can fix me. No one can help me. I’m done. I’m so fucking done. Are you happy now? Now it’s been confirmed that I’m an actual fuck up.” 

 

Hope leaves the room in a haste, with Kelley on her heels. They’re only further humiliated as they run into their entire team in the hallway. They heard everything. In a split of a second, some members circle Hope, the others circle Kelley. Hope, quite literally, fights them to break away. She runs block after block, finding herself further from the hotel. 

 

Kelley remains frozen in place, her surroundings turning dark. She hears people rush in and multiple voices asking if she’s okay, but she can’t see or hear them.

 

Neither of them can breathe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...now it's time to get the momentum rollin'! (only took 11 chapters oops lol)


	12. June 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley confronts Hope after her arrest in 2014.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another little tidbit of the past...

 

_The final whistle blows. Kelley shakes the hands of select teammate and opponents, and jogs off the field with her head down. The quicker she leaves, the less likely she’ll come undone. As she carefully takes off her boots, she can’t help but smirk. Typical. Seattle Reign and Sky Blue  games were always exciting, for more than the obvious reasons. After everything that apparently transpired over the last week and out of all the teams they could’ve played, it just had to be Hope’s team. It was already hard enough to keep her distance- that’s why she religiously meets with her therapist. But after what apparently transpired over the last week or so, Kelley feels a pull. She replays her therapist’s words of advice over and over in her head. ‘Let go, Kelley’ ‘It’ll only get more difficult before it gets better’ ‘Stay strong’  But her very own voice rises above._

 

_‘Hope needs you.’_

 

_Kelley suddenly slows down. She knows what she has to do. She needs to find Hope because without her, she’d have no one. The media already portrays her as someone so irrational and unreasonable. She needs to talk to her, even if it meant risking the strength she had worked so hard to build back up. Kelley finds herself lingering until the majority of her team leaves. She paces up and down the hallway, and at the back entrance to the stadium._

 

_“I thought you already left.”_

 

_Kelley’s head swings around, slightly caught off guard. She replies, “I wouldn’t leave without a goodbye.”_

 

_They both know why they’re having this conversation. Hope’s clearly embarrassed. Her voice lowers, “Say what you have to say.”_

 

_Kelley just stares for a moment, trying to read Hope at all levels of indescribable depth. She softly reprimands, “What were you thinking?” Kelley knows Hope’s heard this lecture more than once, from different people too. She knows that she says won’t be news to Hope. “I don’t want to believe any of this. I don’t know who’s at fault, but I do know that you keep getting involved. You’re not exactly making things hard for the media. I just…” Kelley feels herself become heated as she continues to discipline, “Hope, you know you’re constantly under scrutinization. I don’t want to see this be the downfall of your career. You love the game more than life itself. How can you let these mistakes put that at risk? Tell me, is getting arrested worth it?”_

 

_“You don’t understand.” Hope’s eyes are plagued with defeat._

 

_“Talk to me…who are you?” Kelley’s voice cracks, “I…I don’t even want to look at you.”_

 

_“Are you done lecturing me?’_

 

_Kelley sighs, “Yeah…I just need to know that you’re going to be okay.”_

 

_Hope suddenly asks, “Why do you care, Kelley?”  She watches as the younger woman becomes hesitant, “You don’t have to do this, you know. You’re not responsible for me or my actions. So, thank you for staying behind to talk, but no thank you. I can figure this out on my own.”_

 

_Kelley watches as Hope walks past her, and she knows that they should leave it at that, but she feels herself following. She curses under her breath before speaking up, “I feel guilty.”_

 

_Hope stops in her track, reassuring Kelley, “Don’t…the only person who’s allowed to feel that way is me. I screwed up and now I have to live with the consequences.”_

 

_“I could’ve helped you.”_

 

_“With what? Kelley, you know I’ve never had a good relationship with my family. Things just slipped out of hand, that’s all.”_

 

_“I don’t know. I just think that if we talked more often, then maybe you wouldn’t have…” Kelley thinks that if she hadn’t distanced herself, than maybe she would’ve realized the truth a lot sooner. She finally admits, “I don’t think you’re happy, Hope.”_

 

_Hope’s words are caught in her throat as Kelley hit the nail on the head. She counters unconvincingly, “I’m fine.”_

 

_“That’s what someone says when they really aren’t.” Kelley points out. “Hope, what’s going on? Is it the Reign? Harvey? Is it…Jerramy?” Kelley speculates about her home life._

 

_“I already told you that I will figure this out.”_

 

_Kelley’s getting more ticked off by the second. She knows it has everything to do with Jerramy. She’s not exactly sure what, but she just knows. Hope is obviously keeping something from her. She pleads, “What aren’t you telling me?”_

 

_“Do I have to tell you everything?”_

 

_“Yes! What the hell, Hope? Why didn’t you tell me about your marriage?” Kelley all but yells. “We’re close!”_

 

_“Yeah?” Hope’s brows arch. She jabs in return, “Well, why have you been avoiding me?”_

 

_Kelley feels a sudden blow, causing her to shrink back. She swallows, “What are you talking about?”_

 

_“Ever since your surgery, it’s like you don’t want to hear from me or something. You always sound busy on the phone- if I can get a hold of you in the first place. You respond with one worded texts. I feel more like a burden than a friend.”_

 

_“That’s not true…” Kelley reassures her quietly, thinking back on the last couple months._

 

_“Okay, then don’t lecture me about opening up when you don’t even want to yourself.” Hope sighs, still wondering, “I just wish I knew what I did wrong.”_

 

_In this moment, Kelley realizes that they know each other too well. No matter how hard she kept her distance, she’d always remain connected to Hope. She’s not wrong; Kelley had been busy. She and Ann were at a good place in their relationship, a narrative that Hope no longer belonged to. Kelley realizes that by talking to Hope, she was just making another mistake. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” At least not intentionally, Kelley thinks to herself._

 

_“Please, why have you been avoiding me?”_

 

_“That’s a strong word…I’m not…” Kelley fumbles over her words. She finally exclaims, “It’s because I have Ann now!” She breathes hard, knowing that probably wasn’t the best thing to say._

 

_“Ann? What does she have to do with this?” Hope questions, showing Kelley exactly how oblivious she is. “What is this supposed to mean?”_

 

_“It means that I have someone else that comes before you now.” Kelley feels the tears rise as she ends their conversation, “Goodbye, Hope.”_

 

_Hope is speechless, and bewildered beyond belief._

 

 


	13. Broken Roots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope helps Kelley understand during a midnight outing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a late update, I've been out of town. Enjoy :)

 

Kelley lays wide awake in bed with the events of the day replaying in her mind. The more she thinks about her earlier conversation with Hope, the more her mind became clouded. She was right, but she couldn’t believe it. Well, she probably could. It made sense now- Hope’s behavior- but she still had so many questions. Kelley reaches for her laptop on the nightstand and quietly pulls up the search engine. Her eyes scrolled up and down, left to right as she sought answers. Finally, it was all too much and she quietly exits her room, careful not to wake Ali. 

 

As soon as the door creaks open, Kelley blurts out, “Will you go out with me?” 

 

Hope blinks at the light, and despite her vision being blurry, she knew. She had known even before she opened the door (she silently scolds herself for opening it anyways). She squints at the smaller figure in front of her, “Excuse me?” 

 

Kelley’s voice fills with urgency, “I need you to come with me.” 

 

“Hold on,” Hope gently closes the door behind her. Crossing her arms, she sighs, “What are you talking about?” 

 

“Well don’t you remember? You know…this is- I mean, was- our thing. Midnight rendez-vous. When the rest of the world is asleep, we can do whatever we want. We don’t have to hide. We can talk, we can breathe, we can just be…us.” 

 

Hope stands with a bewildered, and less than enthused, look plastered on her face. Had Kelley not listened earlier? She asks again, “Kelley, seriously, what are you doing here?” 

 

“I can’t sleep.” Kelley admits. 

 

Hope looks into Kelley’s tired eyes and can’t help but feel the same. Despite their history together, Hope knew she was caving. If Kelley is opening a door, she sure as hell was not hesitating another second to walk through it. She’s been ready for quite sometime; she had come a long way. But life happened, and she was too late to save their relationship. As soon as Kelley wanted out, things went significantly downhill. She fell down a never ending staircase, bumping into obstacle after obstacle until she became numb. These days, she walks around with no control over her emotions. She’s scared of hurting the one person that she cares about the most- the one person that she truly loves. 

 

Hope murmurs, “Are you sure you want to walk down this road again?” 

 

“No, I’m not. I don’t know where this is going, but…” Kelley’s voice fades as her emotions tie themselves in a knot that sits at the pit of her stomach. She’s conflicted. She knows she’s setting her own self up, but there’s something different about this time. It wasn’t so much a question of being together- that’s an issue in it of itself- but of helping Hope fight. Hope needed help. It was that simple. Kelley continues, “I just need help understanding first. Because I couldn’t sleep, I’ve been researching. I’ve read article after article, but there’s so much.”

 

“You’ve researched it?” Hope scoffs, “I’ve spent the last four years researching and I still don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

 

“Well, you’ve got a four year head start. Maybe, together, we could wrap our heads around this.” 

 

“Together?” Hope raises her brow. 

 

Kelley sighs deeply. “That’s not what…Hope, please. Neither of us need this to become more complicated than it already is. We need to start from the beginning. Just come with me. We’ll grab some food, you’ll tell me everything that’s happened since I left, and we’re going to help each other understand this situation.” 

 

“Now?” 

 

“Yes, now.” Kelley’s corners of her mouth begin to turn upward. 

 

“Fine.” 

 

“Okay, good.” Kelley’s relieved, but before they walk out, she makes sure of one thing. “Wait, Hope?” 

 

“Hm?” 

 

“I know there’s a lot that you and I have been through and desperately need to talk about still, but for now, I want to focus on this…on you. Promise me that we’ll leave those things behind tonight?” Kelley nervously requests, knowing that deep down she’s terribly uncomfortable with her own wrongdoings. 

 

“I promise, Kelley.” 

 

-

 

They find a 24 hour diner just down the road from the hotel. Once Kelley orders fries and a milkshake, and forces Hope to do the same, they settle into an open silence. 

 

“So what do you want to know?” Hope opens up. 

 

“Everything.” 

 

“Well, I’m not a doctor.” 

 

“No, no…I want to hear _your_ story.” Kelley prompts her, “Start from the beginning.” 

 

Hope thinks long and hard before coming up with her best answer. “I don’t think I know the beginning. You know I’ve been through a lot; it’s hard to pinpoint an exact moment. My childhood, my parents, the game, our team…sometimes I think the way I am stems further back than most people believe. I’ve dealt with so much pain that I think it just all built up until I couldn’t hide it anymore. The termination of my contract was the last straw.” Hope swallowed, holding back tears, “That broke me. It brought up so many old memories. I was officially diagnosed not long after that.” 

 

Kelley listened, but needed to interrupt. She needed to know. She asked quietly, “Was I in the picture still?”

 

“No.” Hope tells her, seeing it in Kelley’s eyes that she was struggling with what that might mean. She continues, “Honestly, it was all a blur…it still is.” 

 

“So you’ve seen a doctor?” 

 

“Once.” Hope admits, “I never followed up after the initial diagnosis.” 

 

“Hope…” 

 

“I know.” Hope cuts her off, explaining, “I know there’s something wrong, I understand that, but I’m stubborn. I don’t want to believe it…and I’ve been managing. I have medications to deal with the symptoms, and they work.” Noticing Kelley’s expression of disbelief, she rephrases, “They work for the most part.” 

 

“Symptoms?” 

 

Hope shrugs, “I have a hard time sleeping. I’m on edge a lot, but I guess I’ve always been that way. I overthink things too. I live in the past more than the present. Some days I don’t want to leave the house.” She takes a deep breath, painfully telling Kelley the truth, “I’ve lost control.” 

 

Kelley wants to reach over and take Hope’s hand in her own, but she refrains out of respect. It’s not her place anymore. She questions in disbelief, “You’ve been dealing with this all these years? By yourself?” 

 

“I guess…I had Carli and Julie.” 

 

Kelley points out, “Come on, they didn’t even know about your diagnosis!” 

 

Noticing this might be a sore subject, Hope explains, “I didn’t want them knowing…I didn’t want things to change, but I still wanted someone to talk to. Look, Carli’s my best friend but there’s just some things I can’t talk to her about.” 

 

“Like your disorder? That’s ridiculous.” 

 

“No, you.” 

 

Kelley blinks, not prepared for her answer. “Me?” 

 

“I talk to Carli about a lot of things, my day to day life, but talking about you with her is off limits. We don’t exactly get along when it comes to you, for many reasons, so I just figured it would be best not to talk about you at all.” 

 

“Okay…” Kelley’s not sure where their conversation is heading. 

 

“And that’s why I kept in touch with Julie.” Hope quietly admits, “Through all these years, I needed to know that you were okay. After everything, I just…needed to know. Talking with Julie kept me sane. We talked about trivial things- I never opened up to her in a way that I’ve done with you before. When you acted like you did at that dinner in New York-”

 

“Hey, you don’t need to explain yourself to me. I overreacted.” 

 

“I never meant to hurt you.” 

 

“Same here.” They fall silent at the detour in their conversation until Kelley reminds them both, “We’re supposed to leave some things behind, remember?” 

 

“I know. I just wanted to clear that up.” 

 

“Thank you for that.” Kelley tells her. “But Hope…I’m still worried about you.” 

 

“I’m fine, honestly.” Hope’s less than convincing, she knows it, but she says, “Taking medications isn’t the worse thing in the world, even with the side effects. I manage. Plus I’m alive still aren’t I?” 

 

“There’s gotta be something else that will help.” 

 

“I don’t think there’s a cure.” 

 

“You can’t keep living like this.” Kelley pleads. “You need to go back to a doctor and maybe there’s a way to deal with this, like maybe there’s a special treatment plan or rehab center-”

 

“Kelley, stop!” Hope all but yells. 

 

“I don’t care if I’m overstepping.” Kelley begs, “Let me help.”

 

“No, stop it, please.” Hope is stern with her words, “This is my problem. Not yours. I agreed to talk with you to help you understand what’s been going on, and now you understand right?”

 

“Sort of, yeah…” Kelley has a better sense of Hope’s life now, but she still feels like there are loose ends. 

 

“Okay, then I think we’re done here.” Hope stands up, putting on her jacket.

 

“But I…” Kelley realizes that Hope’s right. She wants to help, but how could she? She’s not family. They’re not together. She resigns and reluctantly follows Hope out the door. 

 

Their walk back to the hotel is silent, but before they part their separate ways, Hope acknowledges, “Thank you for tonight.”

 

“There’s no need to thank me.” Kelley bitterly murmurs, “I haven’t done anything to help.” 

 

“You listened. You let me open up.” 

 

“Always, Hope.” 

 

“I haven’t felt peace like this in a long, long time. ” Hope offers a weak smile. 

 

Kelley shakes her head, not wanting to let go over the fact that this was it. “You can feel this way all the time Hope. Please-”

 

“Don’t.” Hope interrupts. “Don’t ruin this.”

 

Kelley wants to embrace Hope, but holds back and onto the last thread of strength she had left in her. She looks down at her feet as her voice cracks, “I hate seeing you like this.” 

 

“Well, you don’t have to anymore.” 

 

Kelley’s head snaps up, knowing there’s a further explanation needed. “What do you mean?” 

 

“I’m not coming back. I can’t take the coaching job with the team. I’m not ready…I thought I might be, but after this camp, I’ve realized that I can’t be around this environment.”

 

“But I thought tonight was good.” 

 

“I made this decision before tonight. It’s not because of you. I’m glad we were able to talk, but that’s it. There’s nothing else that needs to be done.” 

 

“But being around the team could help, right?” 

 

Hope places her hand on Kelley’s arm, touching her for the first time that night She knows it’s the only way to keep the younger woman quiet. “Stop trying to find a solution when there isn’t one. I don’t want to make this a big deal.” 

 

Kelley wants to shout that PTSD is in fact a very big deal, but she’s at a loss of words, still recovering from Hope’s touch. Hope finally disappears into her room with Kelley following suit. As well as the conversation went and the fact that Hope seemed to be herself through it all, Kelley’s not sure how helpful it was. She now understood much more than before, but she felt like there was so much more to be done, even if it wasn’t her responsibility. 

 

Kelley realizes it’s nearly sunrise, and as much as she wants to fall asleep she’s surprised to come face to face with one more person.

 

Sitting upright, as if she were waiting all night, Ali tiredly crosses her arms. She sighs, subtly reprimanding, “Please don’t tell me where I think you’ve been all night.” 

 

 


	14. Remedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crazy, stupid, love.

 

Ali knows that Kelley is avoiding her. She refused to say a word to her when she returned to their room that morning, and Ali gave her some space, but now it’s late afternoon and almost everyone had parted ways. Before she left for the airport, she decided to catch her friend one last time. 

 

“No goodbye?” Ali teased softly as Kelley finished checking out of their hotel. Kelley gave her one stern look before walking away. “Kelley?” 

 

“Goodbye, Ali.” 

 

“Can we talk?” 

 

“Don’t you have somewhere to be? You’re going to miss your flight.” Kelley rationally argues. 

 

“I have time.” Ali replies, looking down at her watch. “Kell, please talk to me.” 

 

“I don’t want to talk.” 

 

“I know you don’t.” Ali sighs before pointing out, “But you will eventually.” 

 

“Well, I’ll call you when I’m ready.” Kelley continues to walk away. 

 

“I know where you were last night and I think you’re going to want me here. You know, in person.” 

 

“Why would you think that?” Kelley’s eyes widen, turning around abruptly. Realizing that Ali’s right, she feels her heart rate quickening, “I was with Hope. So what? She doesn’t think this is a big deal, so why should I? Why should I care? Tell me. It’s not like I’m even…in her life. This is stupid and I don’t know why last night happened, but it did. And when I say last night, it’s not like we…you get it. But really, Ali, why do you need to know? She’s not coming back anyways. Why…just…why…” Kelley’s voice shakes, her eyes tearing up, “Why do you…want to be here? This isn’t your business…it’s not even mine, I guess, but…” 

 

Ali sighs, “This is exactly why I need to be here for this.” She gives Kelley a soft nod, bringing Kelley in for a much needed hug. She feels the younger woman instantly cling on. 

 

Kelley’s determined to stay strong, wiping away a stray tear and whispering, “How did you know?” 

 

With both hands on Kelley’s shoulders, she gently squeezes in support, “You had that expression on your face.” 

 

“What expression?” 

 

“The one that looks like you’ve just been whiplashed.” 

 

“Great.” Kelley snorts.

 

“You know what I mean.” Ali tries her best to explain, “You look conflicted. Like you’re happily walking down a path only to realize that you’re going the wrong direction, and you turn around so quickly that you…well, you’ve been whiplashed.” 

 

Kelley’s shoulders slumped into a surrender. She admits, “I don’t know what to do.” 

 

“Well, this isn’t anything new. You can at least find comfort in that.” 

 

“But this is different.” 

 

“Where have I heard that before?” Ali mocks her. In a more calming voice she reassures, “At the end of the day, it’s just Hope…and for some strange, mind blowing reason, you know her better than anyone else.” 

 

“It’s not just Hope though…” Kelley ponders aloud, “You see, I don’t know her anymore. She’s Hope and…I don’t know…her baggage? It’s just that…I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know!”

 

“Hey, calm down. Breathe.” Ali takes a deep breath herself to soothe her own nerves. She knows where this is heading and she’s afraid of the consequences it’ll have on her friend. “You’ll get through this, I promise.” 

 

“Me get through? Ali, don’t you see? This isn’t about me…it’s about Hope.” 

 

“I know, but you two have always-”

 

“This isn’t about us!” Kelley exclaims. 

 

“But you spent the whole night with her…” 

 

“Talking about PTSD!” Kelley clarifies, and then continues, “Like I said, it’s different this time around…I’m over all that, remember? I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am today. I make decisions for myself. I sleep in peace. I don’t waste time thinking about what could’ve been, even if deep down I know what should’ve been. I…I’m not like that anymore.” She takes a breath, sighing deeply, “Hope can’t afford me to be like that anymore.” 

 

“Did she ask for your help?” Ali’s brows arch in question. 

 

“Well, not really, but-”

 

“Kelley, this is a lot to expect from yourself. This isn’t your responsibility.” 

 

Kelley interrupts, her mind spewing with thoughts, “But what if it is?! What if, this whole time, I had something to do with this?” Her eyes fill with guilt. “I could’ve done something. What if I made it worse? Or started this whole thing? Hope said it began after Rio- and after I left- but I can’t help but think-”

 

“No, stop. You can’t let yourself think like that. That’s not going to help Hope. You do want to help her, right?” 

 

Kelley thinks long and hard. She finally answers, “I do.” She looks upwards, keeping her tears from falling, “Oh, Hope…” 

 

They remain quiet for some time, basking in their thoughts. Ali looks at the time once more, realizing it’s her time to leave. Before parting ways, she knows she has to open an old wound. 

 

“Are you sure you’re over her?” 

 

“I’m just worried.” Kelley refutes, non-convincingly. 

 

“Kelley.” 

 

“Ali.” 

 

“ _Kelley_.” 

 

Ali sighs, knowing she won’t get much more out of her, not like this. But as she gets up to leave, Kelley whispers back in finality, “Hope needs me. I can feel it. I can feel _her._ ” 

 

-

 

Kelley holds onto that feeling for many more nights, a phone call with her sister, through a flight, and during an uber ride. She holds on as long as she can until she’s standing on an unfamiliar porch, clearly unprepared for the brisk fall weather of the Carolinas. She double checks the horribly scribbled address on the sticky note in her hand with the numbers aside the front door. She plants herself firmly. Nothing could knock her down; nothing could refuse her. 

 

She reminds herself of where she is and suddenly realizes how crazy and stupid she is being. But just like Hope said, after their very first crazy and stupid night together, _We might be both those things, but you know what goes right along with that? Love._

 

_Crazy, stupid, love._

 

Kelley laughs to herself. 

 

And then she knocks. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are you getting yourself into, Kelley?


	15. Make Me Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley won't take no for an answer; she moves in.

 

Hope blinks a few times. Her hand firm on the door, she shakes her head and begins to shut it. She thinks to herself, _I’m hallucinating._

 

Kelley stands, her hope quickly fading. She frowns, takes a step forward, an aggressively knocks once more. She knocks harder. And faster. Harder and faster. 

 

The door swings wide open and if Kelley hadn’t taken half a step back, Hope would’ve bulldozed her over. They just stare, careful of the minute distance between them. 

 

“You.” Hope looks at Kelley from head to toe, “You’re real.” 

 

“Sure hope so.” 

 

“You’re really here.” Hope’s jaw shifts as she contemplates quietly. “Why?” 

 

“I’m moving in.” Kelley replies nonchalantly, pushing past Hope and into her home. She sets her luggage aside, easing into an unspoken familiarity- of just being together. 

 

Hope watches as Kelley removes her jacket and shoes. She’s completely stunned. “Kelley, what are you doing here?” 

 

“I’m here to help you.” 

 

“With?” 

 

Now it’s Kelley’s turn to stare. She’s completely stunned too. Why else would she be there? She murmurs, “Getting better.” 

 

It finally dawns on Hope. Hadn’t their midnight conversation been enough? Hadn’t she been clear with her actions? She begins to shake her head. Unbelievable. She accuses, “ _You?!”_ Scoffing hard, she asks, “You think you can make me better?” Hope begins to laugh. 

 

“Stop.” Kelley tells her, “This is serious.” 

 

“Out of everyone, you’re my lifeline?!” Hope’s laugh becomes steadier. 

 

“I am the _only_ one who’s in your life.” Kelley reminds her of her harsh reality. Noticing Hope’s laugh fade and her demeanor darkening by the second, she comments, “We both know it’s the truth. Your mom, your brother, the team, even Carli…you won’t let them in. You never have. You keep them at an arm’s length. But me…I still don’t know why and you don’t either, but you let me in. I know you.” Kelley thinks long and hard, “I know you more than I know my own self.” 

 

“Get out.” Hope grits through her teeth. 

 

“You don’t scare me.” Kelley shrugs, doing an about foot down the hallway. 

 

Hope is at her heels. “I want you to leave.” 

 

“You can’t change my mind.” 

 

“GET OUT!” Hope screams. Kelley barely flinches and continues her actions. Hope watches in disbelief as she opens almost every cabinet until she finds a glass. She walks to the sink, filling it up with water. Hope’s slipping out of control; it’s taking everything in her to not grab Kelley by the arm, drag her out the door and out of her life. 

 

“No.” 

 

“Kelley. Get the fuck out of my house.” 

 

“See? I refuse to leave you alone. Not like this.” Kelley takes another sip. 

 

“I’m suffering, but I’m not stupid.” Hope challenges, “This isn’t a good idea…for a lot of reasons.”

 

“Humor me.” Kelley knows she’s pushing buttons, but she has to stick her ground. 

 

“For starters, we can’t even last five minutes without fighting. We can’t even confront our past. You don’t know anything about having a disorder. I don’t even know anything about having a disorder. You live out of a suitcase for most of the year.”

 

“Well, we’ve already solved that lost problem. I’m moving in.” 

 

“No, you’re not! You can’t! You can’t move in because you can’t help me.” 

 

“You don’t know that.” 

 

“Don’t push me, Kelley.” Hope warns. 

 

“At least let me try. If it doesn’t work out, and I’m doing more harm than good, then you can ask me to leave. And I’ll leave.” 

 

“It’s not that simple! For fuck’s sake, Kelley, hear me out. This is you and me, don’t you understand? You and me. We aren’t meant to be!” 

 

“Good lord, Hope, it’s not like I’m asking you to marry me!” Kelley counters. She thinks, _We crossed that bridge a long time ago._ She continues gently, “I know you don’t like this, but you have to let me try. I’m willing to leave the past behind- for the time being- and focus on now. I may not know a lot, but I do know that I can’t leave you alone…not like this.” 

 

Hope knows this conversation is over; she knew that as soon as Kelley stepped through her door. She feels herself relenting. She’s tired, and she doesn’t have the energy for this. She walks away. 

 

Kelley frowns, “Hey, you can’t do that.” She follows Hope back down the hall and up the stairs. “Hope? You can’t walk away when we’re talking. This won’t work if-”

 

“There are extra blankets and pillows in the closet. There’s a draft in the corner opposite of the bed, but there’s a small space heater also in the closet that you can use. The bathroom’s next door. Towels in cabinets. Oh, and the shower leaks just a tad bit, so put a small towel on the floor to soak up any extra puddles. It’s really not too big of a deal, but let me know if the leak gets worse.” Hope crosses her arms, her jaw clenching. She’s still bitter about losing and she knows that Kelley is forcing herself to keep from grinning. She just wants to know though, “Why? Why do you really want to help me? After everything I’ve done…”

 

“What about everything _I’ve_ done?” Kelley asks. She sighs, “Let’s save this for another time, okay? Just…thank you. Thank you for letting me do this.” 

 

They remain silent as Kelley slowly enters the room, mindlessly checking it out. Hope remains glued in her place. 

 

“Kell?” 

 

“Hm?” When Hope fails to say anything, Kelley makes eye contact with her. She waits. 

 

Hope admits, just barely, “I’m scared.” 

 

Kelley walks back up to her, still cautious with the distance between them. She weakly smiles, “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to get through this.” 

 

“No, no…not that…” Hope looks down, breaking contact, “I’m scared of hurting you.” 

 

Old feelings and memories arise for the younger woman ever since she arrived. She knows she’s taking a big risk, and that had gotten her in trouble in the past, but she’s different now. Like she told Ali, she’s more mature. She can handle this. 

 

“You can’t hurt me.” Kelley shares confidently, “Not anymore.” 

 

“Okay.” Hope let’s Kelley’s response sink in. She backs out the door, “I’ll let you unpack.” Hope disappears, but it’s not even a second before she hears her name. 

 

“Wait, Hope.” 

 

She reappears, peeking her head into the guest bedroom once again, “Yeah?” 

 

“One last thing, one last condition.” Kelley pauses and then takes a deep breath, “Don’t fall in love with me, okay?” 

 

Hope can’t help but smile. She rolls her eyes, letting out a mixture of a scoff and chuckle, “Won’t happen.” The old Hope makes a cameo appearance; her laugh echoes down the stairs.

 

The thing is, Kelley’s not joking.


	16. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A meet and greet with the therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it's been a few weeks- I've been out of town for the holidays. Enjoy :)

 

Kelley’s heart aches. 

 

They had set up an appointment with a specialized therapist by the end of the week. To Kelley’s surprise, Hope didn’t put up much of a fight. She had been prepared for long debates and requests for extensive research, but as soon as Kelley looked up the closest professional help to Hope’s home, they found themselves sitting on a quaint little couch in an overall mundane room. 

 

The meet and greet, being Kelley’s idea, was mainly to familiarize themselves with the predicament at hand and to seek the next course of action. The formalities, patient history, and background information were all relatively painless, but now Kelley’s not sure she can take a second longer in the small office. The therapist- a calm, older woman by the name of Dr. Miller- had given Hope the floor to just talk and share anything on her mind that might help them fill in the big picture. Hope, being a perfectly capable and eloquent speaker, was unusually more than happy to oblige. Kelley knows she should be glad that Hope’s being cooperative, and that this process was starting to go swimmingly, but she’s quickly becoming overwhelmed by Hope’s reality these last couple years. 

 

Kelley listens to Hope explain the way she tosses and turns at night. The way she wakes up the next morning on edge even more than before. The way her hands tremble or her knees shake. The way she leaves her house, starts the car, but never actually leaves her garage. 

 

Kelley listens to Hope talk about soccer as a burden, instead of a passion. How the one thing she cared about slowly killed her, in more ways than one. How it all began with 2007, and she brushed it off, only to repeat history just years later. 

 

Kelley listens to the guilt shake Hope’s core. She listens to the way Hope demeans her own self, casting a large shadow of negativity over the room. So brutally honest and convicting that Kelley believes it too.  

 

But it’s not until Hope describes a dream- _she’s driving, she’s fretting, Kelley’s yelling, she can’t stop, I fucking needed you-_ that plagues her almost every night that Kelley’s heart doesn’t ache anymore, but actually _breaks_. 

 

The meet and greet ends there, thankfully. Neither of them couldn’t take more. The drive home is silent. Kelley, thinking; Hope thinking. Hope heads straight to her room, closing the door behind her. Kelley doesn’t follow. They have to give each other space to let thing soak in, every word that Dr. Miller spoke about the nature of PTSD, the different types of symptoms and treatments, the antidepressants, the scheduling of appointments thereafter. Kelley stays curled up on the couch for some time until she realizes that despite the fear and unpredictability, she has to remain strong. She has to, for Hope. 

 

She leaves her spot on the couch to check on Hope. She’s about to knock, but the door is left ajar, as if it was her own personal invitation in. She peeks her head in, finding Hope amongst the pillows and duvet cover, wide awake and emotionally worn. The first thing Kelley notices are her hands; they tremble. 

 

Kelley sits down, taking Hope’s hands into her own, “You’re going to get through this.” 

 

“It’s a lot.” Hope murmurs, her eyes lost. 

 

“It is a lot,” Kelley reiterates, “But day by day, remember?” 

 

“I don’t know if I can do this.” 

 

“You can. You will.” 

 

“What if I get through this, but never _fix_ it? What if all this research or meds aren’t enough? What about these therapist visits? Will they actually help? or make it worse? What if all this is for nothing? What if I can’t be fixed? How do we know what lies ahead?”

 

Kelley can’t help but admit the truth, “We don’t know what lies ahead…we just don’t know.” It’s the most vulnerable Kelley has ever seen Hope. She doesn’t know what to do, what to say. Only one thing comes out of her mouth. “I went to a therapist.” 

 

Hope’s distracted, her attention shifting completely. “What? Why?” 

 

“After London.” Kelley murmurs; there’s no need for a further explanation. Even if Hope didn’t know everything- the feelings, the pining- Hope knew that it had something to do with her, it always had something to do with her. 

 

“Kell,” Hope sits up in a hurry, worry plastered on her face, “If that had anything to do with…” 

 

“Shh, it was awhile ago.” Kelley tells her, “Don’t worry about me.” Kelley watches as Hope’s head lowers. She knows she’s berating herself for something she doesn’t even know she’s done; it’s evident in the tears. Kelley panics, “I…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just trying to help, share my own experience…not that my reasons for a therapist were anything close to yours, or well, at least I don’t think. Hope, I’m sorry. Please look at me.” Hope just shakes her head, closing her eyes deep in distorted feelings of herself. “Hope, please, what’s done is done. You need to let go of the past. Please talk to me and tell me what you need throughout all this. Tell me what you need.” 

 

Hope meets her eyes, begging, “I need you to be with me.” 

 

Kelley climbs in, draws the blanket up to her chest, and doesn’t say another word.  


	17. Author’s Note :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See below!

Hey! Long time no update, huh? 

Don’t worry, this isn’t me abandoning ship. In fact, I have the next chapter all set and ready to go. It will be posted this Friday! 

I just wanted to see if anyone’s still interested in this story...if you are, I’d recommend rereading what’s already published (I definitely had to myself in order to plan out the rest of the story!). If you don’t have time or just don’t want to, here’s a little summary so far: 

It’s 2019 after the World Cup in France. Hope and Kelley haven’t talked since Rio, which is Kelley’s fault as she had decided to cut Hope out of her life (for reasons not known yet). Over these last few years, Hope’s struggled with PTSD, which  came into light when her contract was terminated after Rio, but has stemmed from her rocky past (childhood, team dynamics, marriage, etc.). Kelley feels guilty, believing she might’ve had a role in Hope’s downfall, and wants to help Hope. Together, they agree to navigate Hope’s disorder- even though they haven’t quite fixed their own relationship. Through flashbacks, we see Kelley having her own battle with feelings since London 2012, Hope being completely oblivious to it all, and them starting a messy love affair at the 2015 World Cup through Rio.

Kelley appears at fault. Hope appears at fault.

It’s confusing. It’s complicated. 

Are you ready??? 

 

(Okay that little summary turned out to be way more dramatic than intended but regardless of who’s interested or not, there will be an update! See you Friday!) 

 

-KO5


	18. 2015 (I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley falls for Hope. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back on track! Enjoy!

 

_Time is good to them- almost too good._

_Kelley enjoys getting to know Ann. They begin to connect on a level that brings them to unfamiliar waters, but they navigate it fairly well together. They take things slow, which Kelley is grateful for. She makes it clear to Ann that while she values their relationship, she also values her commitment to her career, if not equally so. She’s finally reached full health again, but not full fitness. There’s always more to be done._

_Meanwhile Hope gets her life- her marriage- back on track. She works really hard on communication, keeping Jerramy in the loop more often than not. They work things out, focusing on that if their marriage were to last, they needed to remember that it all began with a friendship first. They were each other’s best friends. Outside her personal life, Hope works on mending her relationship with the federation, re-establishing her place on the team. She wants her teammates to know that she would pour her mind, body, and soul into the year ahead._

_It’s a big year for each of them. A big year with a big goal: the world cup._

_Life becomes more hectic with each passing month. First, they’re being called in and out of national team camps, all vying for highly coveted spot on the roster. Then, they’re thrown into all sorts of appearances and interviews, the whole nine yards of marketing and promotions. Throughout it all, they practice getting into the mindset of playing on the global stage awaiting them in Vancouver._

_The bottom line is that they’re spending far more time together. They hadn’t seen this much of each other since the Olympics. It’s easy falling back into a friendship and that frightens Kelley. She’s worked so hard creating a life separate from Hope and though she doesn’t want to lose sight of the progress she’s made so far, she can’t help but picking up right where they left off. There are more moments than not when Kelley gives into the naivety and just…forgets._

_She forgets about the line dividing her personal life and career when she accepts Hope’s offer to watch footage together. They review tapes after tapes and detail methods of defense. They learn from each other, even if majority of their time spent together involves Kelley teasing Hope about the worse-case scenarios scribbled in her unreadable handwriting. By midnight, Kelley’s mesmerized by the fire in Hope’s tired eyes and each hotel note pad that has fallen to the floor._

_She forgets about time; there’s no such concept when she’s with Hope. She opens her empty suitcase and sets it on the bed. She quickly realizes she doesn’t know what to bring without bringing everything so she grabs her phone to ask Hope about the essentials. They end up on an impromptu Target run and stop for coffee after. Except they don’t just stop. They find themselves at a table making a list of coffee shops in the varying Canadian host cities. They’re both snobs when it comes to coffee and won’t settle for less than 4 star yelp reviews. The barista kicks them out at closing._

_She forgets about her own thoughts. Amidst all the makeup and interviewers, Kelley finds herself stopping outside the media room when she hears Hope’s voice. She listens to the experience and conviction underlying Hope’s voice as she talks about her expectations for the world cup. She’s captivated by the unshakable faith and belief that Hope has when she says that she’s not returning without the cup. It’s enough to make Kelley believe too._

_These moments alone are the reason for Kelley’s trembling hands when she reluctantly sits down on the couch._

_“You’re on edge today.”_

_“I am?” Kelley meets her therapist’s eyes for the first time since she’s arrived. She resigns with the truth, softly whispering, “I am.”_

_“Are you nervous about the tournament?”_

_“Who wouldn’t be?” Kelley retorts incredulously. She shrugs, “Of course I am. The pressure in it of itself might kill me. This is the highest level of play that I will ever experience. It’s exciting and terrifying all at the same time.”_

_“You earned your spot on the team. Never forget that.”_

_“I did. But I just don’t know if I earned a starting spot.” Kelley sighs, “I know, I know...I should be grateful for just being able to go. I really am. I guess I just expect a lot from myself.”_

_“You do expect a lot from yourself. But remember, you’re young Kelley. You are pretty damn good at your job and I think you’ll see more than one world cup in your life.”_

_Kelley nods at her therapist’s words. She understands. The room falls silent and it’s the first time an appointment feels fairly awkward. Kelley’s been open to sharing in the past; she’s even surprised herself with how much she’s opened up. But now, sharing is the last thing on her mind. Almost half the appointment goes by before her therapist finally breaks the silence._

_“I think we should talk about why you’re really on edge today.”_

_“Well do you really need me to admit it?” Kelley asks. Her therapist shoots her a look, so she sighs, “Okay fine, yeah, maybe I’m worried about what the tournament will do to my relationship with her.”_

_“Hope.” Her therapist prompts._

_“Yes…Hope.” Kelley finally breathes her name, with annoyance. “We’ve been doing…fine.” As soon as she says that word, Kelley knows it’s not good enough. She’s pretty sure ‘fine’ is a red flag in a shrink’s office. She groans, burying her head in her hands, “Fuck, she’s getting to me again.”_

_“She can’t. Not if you don’t let her- and you have that power.”_

_“But how?” Kelley points out, “It’s so easy with her. We just…we just work well together.”_

 

_“Well?”_

 

_“Yeah, we get along.”_

 

_“I think it’s important to point out that wasn’t the case just a little while ago.”_

 

_“Well that’s my problem. Hope doesn’t know about all this.” Kelley gestures to the space around her._

 

_Kelley spends the rest of the hour spilling everything. She explains that Hope doesn’t know, never has known. Hope doesn’t know that she has weekly therapy appointments. Hope doesn’t know that she’s been sleepless for almost three years now. Hope doesn’t know that she’s in love with her._

_The appointment ends without much resolve. Her therapist reassures her that if anything were to happen, she’s reachable by phone and email. She’s rooting for the team and looks forward to their return._

 

_-_

_It’s the night before the semi-final against Germany. They’re in the home stretch now. Their physical and emotional endurance is now really going to be put to the test. Kelley knows there’s only one person that she wants to talk to, not just now but for the entirety of the tournament. They sit side by side on the rooftop of their hotel._

_“Kelley, you are here because you deserve to be here. I don’t know how many more times I have to tell you that.”_

_“I know that…the pressure is just getting to me. It’s like I’m riding a never ending rollercoaster. Adrenaline is rushing through my veins almost every second of the day but it’s gotten to the point where it’s more nauseating than thrilling.”_

_“Sure, but it’s energy all the same. It’s just up to you to make it constructive rather than destructive.” Hope advises. “Kell, I believe in you. I always have. And I know you all laugh at me, but I really do believe in all of us. We’re winning it all.”_

_Kelley weakly smiles, “You really believe it?”_

_“I’d bet my life.”_

_Kelley feels a calm rush over her and she exhales slowly. She’s about to get up when Hope reaches for her wrist, anchoring her next to her. Kelley’s heart stops; she’s nervous all over again._

_Hope whispers, “Wait.” She looks straight at Kelley and opens up. “I just want you to know that I’m really lucky to have you. I don’t have a lot of friends on the team-”_

_“That’s not true-”_

_“No, it is…I don’t connect well with others. But Kelley, there’s something about you that I can’t ignore. You’re too good. But that’s why I’m so drawn to you. You make me want to be better and I don’t know…” Hope’s sheepish all of a sudden, “I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve loved this journey with you. I know we haven’t been that close lately, but I think our time just this past month has made up for it all.”_

_Kelley feels lost, her surroundings too surreal. She should’ve left a long time ago; she shouldn’t be here. She knows she shouldn’t have gotten involved and that she should’ve tried harder to keep her distance. Hope’s pulling her in and she’s losing her grip quickly. She tries to stop her from talking, “Hope, it’s okay, don’t worry about it…”_

_“I need to tell you something.”_

_“No, Hope…don’t-” Kelley shakes her head. She doesn’t want to hear whatever Hope has to say; she knows it won’t be good- not for herself, at least._

_“I’m leaving Jerramy.”_

_And just like that, everything that Kelley’s worked on to finally feel herself again goes straight out the window. She lets Hope in. “What?”_

_“You were right. My marriage hasn’t been what I’ve wanted it to be for a long time now. Jerramy and I have been working through things and we’re in a good, neutral place now, but deep down, we both know it’s over…well, it never began, really.” Hope shares the truth. Kelley stares at her, racking her own mind with what to do with everything that Hope just shared. She’s conflicted. She knows she has to take care of herself, but what if taking care of herself involved Hope? “Kelley, please say something.”_

_Kelley doesn’t know what to say. Was this Hope’s way of telling her that she felt something too? She’s not brave enough to ask, so she resorts to her same old response, offering a supportive smile, “If you’re happy.”_

_Hope returns her smile with one of her own, murmuring, “I’ll get there, soon.” She tells her, “I haven’t told anyone about this, not even my family. I just needed someone to hear it. I needed you.”_

_Kelley swallows hard, still trying to compress her feelings. But no matter how hard she tries, she swells up with pride that Hope trusts her enough to share this. While she knows it’s not her business, she feels like it’s up to her to do something with this information._

_(She scores her first international goal)_

 

_-_

 

_It happens right after the match; they can’t even wait until Vancouver._

_“Don’t you dare say it-”_

_“I told you so.”_

_Maybe it’s the way Hope, with immense pride, tells Kelley that she makes all the difference or maybe it’s the alcohol rushing through their veins, but they’re alone for one moment and that one moment is all it takes for Hope to pull Kelley aside, pin her in the shadows, and kiss her fervently._

_Whatever happens during the final doesn’t matter anymore._

_They’ve already won._

 

_-_

 

_Kelley cancels her therapy appointments._

 


	19. How Would You Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope's first therapy appointment.

 

Kelley discretely looks over at Hope. The pair are sitting side by side in the waiting room before Hope’s first official therapy appointment. After the meet and greet, Kelley encouraged Hope to commit to weekly sessions, promising they’d attend the first one together. She notices Hope’s hands at her side, slowly curling into fists, a habit that Hope seemed to develop when she was anxious.

 

“How are you doing?”

 

Hope offers her best smile, which comes across as more of a distorted curl of her lips. She swallows, “I’m good.”

 

Kelley knows better and places her own hand atop of one of Hope’s trembling fists. She breathes her name gently, “Hope, it’s going to be okay.”

 

Hope just nods, her racing thoughts subdued momentarily by Kelley’s touch. Before she can respond, she hears her name being called. Before they know it, they’re sitting side by side again, but this time, not alone. Right across from them sits Dr. Miller, a stranger that Hope is still learning to trust.

 

After settling into a general “how have you been” conversation, they fall into a comfortable silence. Dr. Miller capitalizes on the opportunity and sits up a little straighter. “We’re going to start with something rather simple. In order for me to get a better sense of who you are and how I, to the best of my ability, can address your needs, we need to talk about triggers. These are the things that keep you up at night. All I want you to do for now is to list them. You don’t have to be certain about what you consider is a trigger, but just share your thoughts with me. From our meet and greet, I’ve already come up with a few, but I’d like to hear from you first. Make sense?”

 

“Yeah…” Hope thinks before nodding more confidently, “Yeah, I can do that.” She pauses to think again before bringing up, “My childhood. My Dad. He was always in and out. Never consistent. My parents’ divorce. I don’t know, I just never realized how unusual my life had been until I was in high school, or college even. I never realized that picking fights was unhealthy.”

 

Dr. Miller nods, “Good, Hope. Keep going.”

 

“Uhm, well…” Hope begins a list, “My relationship with my ex-husband, Jerramy, that still haunts me. Uh, what else…oh, uhm, social media makes me irritated, you know, people speculating.”

 

“Perfectly understandable.”

 

Hope finally admits, “And of course, soccer has to be a trigger, too.” Receiving a look of agreement from Dr. Miller, she explains, “I never wanted it to be, but it just is. It’s a double edge sword. I live for soccer; I don’t really remember a moment in my life without it. It’s taught me so much- how to be resilient, what it means to be a hard worker, how to have fun. My whole life has revolved around soccer, but that’s also a huge problem, I think. I feel suffocated by the pressure. I’ve been put on the spot. I’ve lost teammates and friends.”

 

“Can you pinpoint specific times?” Dr. Miller presses harder.

 

“2007 World Cup, the whole ordeal with my coach and teammates. I never felt more alone in my life. I felt like I had let down everyone around me. There were some suspensions later on too, I guess. Oh, and obviously, the termination of my contract after Rio. That…” Hope takes a deep breath as she reminisces, “That was hard because I felt like I had given so much to my team, and for me to go out like that…it wasn’t just embarrassing, it was devastating, and in many ways, unfair. I don’t know if I’ll ever come to terms with that.”

 

Dr. Miller listens intently. When Hope finishes, she tells her, “Alright, now comes the more difficult part. We have a sense of what exactly is weighing you down, but now we have to move forward. We have to come up with ways to manage your self-deprecating thoughts. Recovery for conditions like PTSD is an ongoing thing. Healing doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting about all these triggers; rather, it means more confidence, more faith in your self that you’re going to fight and fight until you win.”

 

“So, are you talking coping strategies?” Kelley adds her input for the first time.

 

“Exactly.” Dr. Miller tells them, “Many of my patients like to have a ‘go-to’ coping mechanism. For some, it’s as simple as taking a deep breath. For others, it’s a bit more involved, like displacing themselves.”

 

“Displacing?” Hope frowns in confusion.

 

“Like, going to your happy place- I know, it sounds childish, but we have to find a way for you to calm yourself. So, Hope, let’s start with what you enjoy doing.”

 

“Like my hobbies?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Kelley interrupts, looking at Hope, “You like to read…a lot.” She smiles, earning another smile in return from Hope.

 

“I do like to read.” Hope tells Dr. Miller, “I can go through books like water. I think I have a book in my purse right now. I’ve always liked to read…I guess it just takes my mind off of things, it allows me to escape.”

 

“Okay, perfect. Let’s start there.” Dr. Miller goes through some paperwork at her desk and pulls out an ipad. She announces, “What we’re going to do is test this coping strategy. In my hand, I have some footage that I believe will trigger you in some way. While I do so, I want you to concentrate hard on your book. Let’s see if reading will help ease your response.”

 

“Uh, yeah, okay…”

 

Kelley’s more focused than she thought she would be. She’s interested in seeing how this could help, how it could transform Hope’s life. She watches as Dr. Miller hits play and soccer footage comes up on the screen. There are all sorts of videos, like certain semi-finals, interviews that Hope had done, paparazzi shots. Kelley’s attention turns to Hope, who’s captivated by the videos. Noticing her eyes darken, she says her name, “Hope…”

 

“Hope, try reading.” Dr. Miller encourages.

 

Hope looks down anxiously at her book in her hands, but she can’t help but look up at the screen again. She shakes her head, “I…I think you should turn those off…I don’t want to…”

 

Dr. Miller understands, immediately pressing pause. She nods, “Alright, good, now you have an idea of what we’re doing.”

 

“Reading isn’t going to help.” Hope stubbornly points out.

 

“It could take some time-”

 

“No, I just know it won’t…I couldn’t even read a word with all that nonsense you were playing.”

 

Dr. Miller relents, “Okay, we can try something else.”

 

“I like coffee.” Hope tries to suggest, “Coffee is usually calming to me- the smell, the taste…”

 

“Okay, we can give that a shot.” Dr. Miller says, putting the ipad away.

 

“Wait, what about those videos?”

 

“I’m going to try something else too.”

 

Hope’s brows furrow in uncertainty, but she closes her eyes anyways and thinks hard about Seattle, her home, and the coffee culture in it. Her placid thoughts are soon interrupted by Dr. Miller’s voice.

 

_“It’s blowing up back home.”_

_“I can’t even fucking look at you. Who do you think you are?”_

Kelley’s eyes drift back and forth between Hope and Dr. Miller, who kept reading such harsh words. She notices Hope’s hands curl into fists, trembling harder than before.

_“You are a disgrace, Hope. You betrayed not just one, but all of us.”_

Hope begins to shake her head, “Stop, please stop. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Her breathing suddenly becomes uneven and Kelley begins to worry. Her eyes fill with alarm and she tries to get Dr. Miller’s attention to tone it down.

_“You’ve just destroyed everything this team was built on. I can’t believe you, Hope.”_

“I can’t…I can’t do this.” Hope’s almost hyperventilating now.

 

“Stop! She wants you to stop!” Kelley’s finally had enough and she stands up, grabbing the excerpts out of Dr. Miller’s hand, tossing them to the floor. “You…you can’t do that to her.”

 

“Kelley, this is part of the process.” Dr. Miller calmly says, turning to Hope. “This might be the hardest part. I know this is a lot, but it has to be done. We’re going to find a coping mechanism for you, I promise.”

 

“How can you promise? I don’t do promises!” Hope almost yells. Her voice falls, “I don’t think I can do this.”

 

“Yes, you can.”

 

“Can we just take a break? I need a fucking break.” Hope abruptly stands up, not even waiting for permission before she leaves the room.

 

The room falls silent, especially now just with Kelley and Dr. Miller in the room. Kelley stares at her lap, realizing there was still _such_ a long way to go. All she can do is ask one question.

 

“She’s going to be okay, right?”

 

Dr. Miller sends her a look of sympathy. She confidently replies, “Yes, she is.” A couple minutes pass by without another word- until Kelley hears Dr. Miller speak up with a question that shakes her to the core. “It’s a shame you two never worked out, huh? I can see it in your eyes, Kelley- the way you take on Hope’s pain when she herself is in pain. That doesn’t come naturally- that comes with history. You both seemed to have had something really special.”

 

Kelley can’t even deny it at this point. Her emotions are so raw, and her heart is worn on sleeve. All she can do is agree in a small whisper, “Yeah, we sure did.”

 

The door gently opens with Hope returning to her seat. Her breathing back to normal, she looks over at Kelley for reassurance and murmurs, “I’m ready to try again.”

 

Dr. Miller smiles gently, “You’re doing so great, Hope. I want you to know that this is all just part of the process. You’re going to get frustrated, but the fact that you’re back ready to try again is already a huge success.” She suggests, “Okay, let’s try something else. I want you to think back on a time in your life that you remember feeling genuinely happy. Not just a smile or a laugh, but something that gave you chills.”

 

“I already have an answer.”  Hope doesn’t have to think hard.

 

“When, Hope?” Dr. Miller encourages.

 

Without another passing second and without a doubt, Hope’s eyes immediately turn to Kelley. They’re equally full of vulnerability and confidence. She whispers almost inaudibly, “When I realized I loved you.”

 

“Tell us the story, Hope.”

 

-

 

_Hope reaches down into the vending machine and takes out the carton. She smiles to herself, having just found the holy grail at their hotel. A vending machine stocked with chocolate milk. What a fantastic start to the Olympics. She begins to open the carton when the door opens behind her. She freezes and looks over her shoulder, caught red handed._

_Kelley comes to a halt as the door clicks shut. She’s mildly stunned to run into someone else, but not as stunned as the expression on Hope’s face. Her words come out slowly. “Oh hey…I thought you were heading to Carli’s before the meeting?”_

_“Uhm, right…yeah, I…” Hope clears her throat awkwardly, gripping her beverage discretely to her side._

_Kelley frowns, knowing it’s unusual to find Hope without words. She glances down and a smile begins to creep onto her face. She grins, “Chocolate milk?”_

_“I…” Hope realizes there’s no point in trying to come up with an excuse, so she relents, “You got me.”_

_“Hey, there’s no reason to feel embarrassed. I mean, I’ve never seen a vending machine carry chocolate milk. How cool is this?” She casually moves behind Hope and feeds cash into the machine. She smirks, “Don’t worry, I’ll get chocolate milk too…you know, so that you feel better about yourself. I don’t want you drinking chocolate by yourself, that’s just sad.”_

_“Oh sure you do.” Hope rolls her eyes, “We all know you’re obsessed with chocolate milk.”_

_“Apparently so are you.”_

_“Look, it’s great for recovery.”_

_“And for children.”_

_“Suits you.” Hope dishes out. She finishes opening her carton and raises it, an excitement appearing in her eyes. “Well since we’re here now, cheers!” Kelley raises her carton in which Hope clashes her own against it. Going in a tad strong, milk splashes out. She jumps back in surprise._

_“Oh my god.” Kelley brings a hand to her mouth, covering her smile._

_“Shit.” Hope curses, a large stain forming on her shirt. She stares at her watch, observing nervously, “The team meeting starts in like two minutes. I can’t walk in like this. How am I going to hide the evidence?” Hope looks back at Kelley, panic filling her eyes._

_Kelley pokes fun at her. “The evidence? Hope, you spilled chocolate milk on yourself. But you’re making it sound like you’ve committed a crime.”_

_“Same difference!” Hope sighs heavily, beginning to search the small alcove for anything to help clean up the mess. Her eyes wander until they land back on Kelley. She suddenly gets an idea. “We can swap.”_

_“What?” Kelley asks, not following._

_“Take off your shirt.”_

_“Excuse me?” Kelley chuckles nervously, feeling her cheeks reddening. Her laugh fades, realizing Hope’s blank expression. “Wait, are you serious right now?”_

_“Of course I’m being serious, Kelley! When am I not?”_

_Kelley shrugs. Hope’s not wrong. She finds herself obeying the older woman’s orders, taking off her shirt in one swift motion. “Here.”_

_“Thank you.” Hope tosses the damp shirt to the ground as she squeezes into Kelley’s training top. “You know,” Hope tells Kelley nonchalantly, “What if this was just a ploy to get you to take off your shirt?”_

_Kelley chokes on her sip of chocolate milk._

_“You okay?”_

_Kelley’s eyes just widen. “Hope!”_

_“What?”_

_“Well is it a ploy?” Kelley asks incredulously, picking up the damp shirt and putting it on. “Because if you thought that you could get me to walk into a team meeting in front of our entire team and coaching staff, wearing a chocolate milk stained shirt, then…” She sighs, looking down at herself. “You’re absolutely correct.”_

_“I legitimately just spilled milk. It was an accident.”_

_“So you…you were joking, about the shirt?” Kelley’s brows are still knitted in confusion.”_

_“Yeah, sure.” Hope shrugs, herself now just as confused. “Can’t you take a joke?” Kelley just stares at her in disbelief, and wonder. “Come on, Kell, we’re really going to be late to this meeting.”_

_Kelley doesn’t budge. Her voice steadying, “Wait, I like this side of you, Hope.”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“Chocolate milk drinking Hope.” Kelley fondly terms. She admits, “It’s like once I finally figure you out, you surprise me with something else.”_

_“I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about.” Hope shakes her head, “Trust me, there’s still a lot you don’t know about me.”_

_“Challenge accepted.”_

_“That wasn’t an invitation!” Hope’s voice is laced with exhaustion. She smirks, “So you thought you had me figured out, huh?”_

_“I have my theories.” Kelley beams. She earns a look of disapproval from Hope, but before she can say anything in return, Kelley falls serious, too. “Really, Hope. You’re incredibly complex. Everyone else paints you a certain way and yet you manage to stay true to yourself. You’re grounded…and I just…I admire you for that. I don’t know how you do it.”_

_Hope feels encompassed by a sense of security and composure as Kelley speaks with a tranquil conviction. At first she doesn’t know what to say; no one has ever made her feel this way. How ironic, never before had she felt grounded--- until now._

_Hope takes a deep breath, letting someone in for the first time in a long, long time. “Want to know my secret?”_

_Kelley nods._

_-_

 

Hope pauses, her head hung low, almost in embarrassment. She can feel Dr. Miller’s stare burning her, but she takes her time. She must be careful of what she says next.

 

“And so I told her…” Hope draws out slowly, swallowing, “I told her my secret.” She smiles fondly on the memory, “I said-”

 

“All it takes is passion, grit, and chocolate milk.” Kelley finishes for her. Hope’s head snaps up, their eyes locking together.

 

Hope looks at her with surprise, “You really remember that?”

 

“I was there too.” Kelley murmurs.

The room falls silent; their feelings rage. Hope’s eventually the one to break the silence, as she did all those years ago. She opens up. “It was all so effortless. The laughing, the joking, the vulnerability. It’s always been so damn easy with you, Kelley. When you told me that day, that you liked that side of me, I decided that so did I. I liked who I became when I was with you…and deep down, I just knew. I knew that if I wanted to be that person, I needed you in my life forever. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.”

 

Kelley feels herself growing more anxious by the second. She doesn’t know where to look, where to hide. She’s flustered by the outpour of Hope’s words. She knows she’s feeling a lot of different things, but the only feeling more prevalent than anything else is frustration. _Why didn’t you then, Hope? Why didn’t you spend the rest of your life with me?_

“I didn’t know it at the moment…” Hope begins again, finally admitting, “But I fell in love with you that day.” She pleads with Dr. Miller, “I’d do anything to go back to the start…to feel that happy again.”

 

Dr. Miller takes a moment to stare at the two women before her. She finally gets it. She knows _exactly_ what is Hope’s coping mechanism. She shares her thoughts with Hope, encouraging her once more to endure the little activity from before. She brings up trigger after trigger, and Hope sits in her place, unaffected.

_(I’m going back to the start.)_

Hope’s eyes grow large as she gets her first taste of a solution, a true glimpse of hope. It’s been her all along.

 

It’s been Kelley.

 

They just needed to back. They needed to go back to the beginning.

 

Hope’s not the only one with a revelation. As she watches Hope talk energetically with Dr. Miller, Kelley realizes it, too. She gives Hope a weak smile before politely excusing herself before the pressure from the anxiety building within her becomes too much. She all but runs outside.

 

Kelley takes in the fresh air, her lungs struggling to catch up. Memories rush through her, angering her mind. She’s so angry.

 

She’s angry with Hope for not following her intuition. She’s angry with Hope for not being able to commit. She’s angry with Hope for not choosing her.

 

But she’s even more angry with herself.

 

She’s angry with herself for not telling Hope. She, too, had felt the same way. She, too, fell in love at the Olympics. She had thought that she was all alone with her feelings and now learning that Hope felt the same is only more damaging than healing. She could’ve skipped the aftermath of London. She could’ve prevented all those years of pining and heartbreak.

 

She realizes how different their lives could’ve been if they just talked. If they _both_ had known.

 

They could’ve had it all.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun...dun...dun...


	20. 2015 (II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cue the love affair.

 

_They don’t talk about the kiss._

_They allow themselves to be whisked away by world cup celebrations and appearances, thankful for the distraction. The victory tour begins and they move around each other as normal as possible all while avoiding a conversation addressing what happened on the last day of the World Cup. But it doesn’t mean they ever stopped thinking about it._

_Kelley still feels Hope’s lips against her own. Her touch gentle, but fervent. She remembers how they connected perfectly, like the last piece completing a puzzle. The pain from shutting down her unrequited feelings over the past few years had finally vanished; the long wait for this very moment, for Hope to feel the same way, was finally worth it. It’s everything she could ever want- and more._

_Hope knows there was absolutely nothing she could’ve done to stop it. One moment they’re clinking their glasses of champagne with the rest of their team and the next, they’re the only two people in the room, in the entire universe. Hope remembers the force behind the kiss, fueled by nothing but desire. She craves for another moment like it; she’s addicted to Kelley. For the first time in her life, Hope finds clarity in her thoughts. Against all odds, her heart reigns over her mind._

_They gather together as a team at the airport, everyone still very much on a champion high, but even more so now. Their next stop: Hawaii. It couldn’t get much better than giving back to their fans all while getting some much needed r &r. To Hope, not only did this mean an escape to island life, but perhaps an escape from uncertainty. This could be their one opportunity to talk alone, with no reservations. _

_Hope jumps in and out of conversations with her teammates, but keeps her eye out for Kelley. Her heartbeat quickens when she arrives, only for it to fade when she sees Ann accompanying her. She’s suddenly flustered; maybe this wouldn’t be as smooth sailing as she had anticipated. She grits her teeth in a poor attempt to hide her discontent, but relaxes as she closely watches their farewell exchange. She sees Kelley’s mouth moving, some hand gesturing, followed by Ann shaking her head. Kelley takes a step forward only for Ann to distance herself and leave abruptly. Hope’s confused and worried for Kelley’s sake, but looks away as soon as a few other of her teammates flock towards the young defender. She wonders what that was all about. She has an idea, and she can’t help but feel a tad hopeful about it._

_-_

_They arrive in Honolulu early afternoon and settle into their rooms. Some players immediately hit the beach, including Kelley. Hope decides to stay back, trying to distract herself from being concerned over the fact that Kelley hadn’t spoken to her yet. Team dinner is also uneventful and Hope’s concern only grows. When Kelley gets up to use the restroom, she quickly follows suit. She waits outside until the younger woman opens the door. Kelley stops in her tracks and stares. Hope doesn’t speak a word; her eyes say enough. She deserves some sort of explanation, or at least a little hello. Kelley takes a deep breath._

_“I broke up with her.” Kelley can immediately tell that Hope’s taken aback by the way her brows heighten and eyes widen. She continues to blurt out, “I’ve been thinking about ways to tell you all day. But then I realized there’s really no easy way for me to tell you…all I wanted was for you to know. So there it is. I know, it’s huge, and you really don’t have to respond, but I just needed you to know.” Kelley gulps, her palms beginning to sweat in anticipation of Hope’s response._

_“You could’ve started with hello.” Hope smirks, calming Kelley’s nerves. She sighs, thinking to herself for a moment. She doesn’t know what to say, so she sticks with an answer with the most logic behind it. “I think…” She gently reaches for Kelley’s hand. “I think I should give you space.”_

_Kelley looks down at her touch. She knows she couldn’t expect anything else. They haven’t even had a conversation about their kiss. Yet, she feels overwhelming disappointed. She looks back up at Hope, offering her a few nods in understanding. She feels Hope let go of her hand._

_“Goodnight, Kelley.”_

_-_

_Little did they know, Hope is just as awful as Kelley when it comes to giving space. She can’t seem to sleep that night, wanting nothing more than to be by the younger woman’s side. She keeps herself up with all the reasons why they shouldn’t be together. It’s not until the sun begins to rise, peeking through her window, that she finally finds an answer. There isn’t a reason._

_Hope quietly leaves her room, walks down the hallways, and knocks on Kelley’s door. Kelley opens it, having just woken up moments before. Hope lets her actions speak for her, taking a quick glance around before grabbing Kelley by the waist and kissing her like she goddamn meant it. Kelley melts into her until she reluctantly pulls back for air. She murmurs, “I’ll see you at breakfast.”_

_Hope can’t believe what she had just done. But she also kind of can. They’re alone. They’re in paradise. They have no strings attached. She herself should’ve known better. She somehow manages to praise and scold herself at the same time, leaving a smirk on her face as she walks down the hallway._

_Space, my ass._

-

 

_The rest of camp consists of stolen glances and stolen kisses. They sneak around early in the morning and keep each other up into the darkest hours of the night. On their last night together, they find themselves walking along the moon lit beach (this is a true love affair), and sit down with their feet entangled in the sand. Kelley snuggles closer, wrapping her arms around Hope and never feeling more at peace. She wonders if this genuinely means something this time around and can’t help but dream of what moving forward might look to them. It’s a sensitive subject and Kelley’s not sure how to pursue it. In London, they hadn’t even reached this stage. They had grown closer, but until this very day, Kelley still wonders if a conversation could’ve changed it all. Now, it seems like actions are worth more than words. (But are actions enough?)_

_They lay with each other for a long, long time. Hope’s particularly mesmerized by the stars above and decides that they hold a very bright future. She slowly stands up, pulling Kelley with her. She sees Kelley begin to open her mouth, but she beats her to it. She just needs to know one thing._

_“Are you happy?” Hope speaks softly._

_“Yeah, I am.” Kelley instantly replies, barely waiting for Hope to finish asking. She stares at Hope, secretly loving that she’s the reason for the keeper’s relaxed expression and slightly turned corners of her mouth. It’s her turn now. “Are you?”_

_Hope can’t refrain any more. She nods vigorously as she smiles so wide that her cheeks begin to hurt. “Yeah.”_

_(Often times though, Hawaii’s meant for honeymoons only.)_

 


End file.
